call out my name (billie eilish girl x girl)

idfc

chapter song inspo: idfc, blackbear

"I act like I don't fucking care, cause I'm so fucking scared."

Billie's POV:

It happened at the end of the show. One thought kicked it off until they started spiraling tighter I almost thought I had to run off, but I managed to fake a smile. I pointed the microphone toward the crowd in 'i love you' and heard thousands of broken hearts sing my lyrics back to me.

Until I wondered if they knew about Hannah, would they still sing back? Would they support me?

Would anybody even show up at all?

Who would I be?

The only way I managed to power through was by making a promise to myself. Maybe I could keep Hannah close enough for it not to hurt, but act like I don't really care. It's the only choice I have.

Now I'm left standing in front of the door to backstage, afraid to open it, but I have to.

Hannah's POV:

After watching the show from the corner of the stage, I hurry to the back room to surprise Billie when she comes in. It feels too good to be true, that I get to hear her sing every show and be there for her when she needs me. I panicked when she pushed me away a little bit before the show, but after we kissed I realized she was probably just nervous and needed to focus. It's walking on a tightrope with her, and I hope I can keep my balance.

Billie's mom and dad hug her first when she walks through, out of breath and with a strange expression on her face. When they back away and give us some space, I step closer to her and reach out to grab her hand.

Billie looks anywhere except at me, and slips her hands behind her back. I try to hide my frown, try to not take everything personal. She's her own person before being mine. If she even is mine, I have no idea what we are.

"You did great out there," I break the silence, and her eyes flicker to catch mine for a half-second before looking at the ground.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Are you okay?" I ask carefully, taking another step towards her. Right after, she takes another step backward, like every move I make to get closer she makes one to get farther away. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't worried out of my mind and starting to overthink everything.

"It's fine, dude. Just tired, I guess," Billie replies. She shoots me a quick smile but it looks like she's dying inside. I don't know how to help without falling off the rope.

"Okay..." I trail off, feeling heavy and lonely even though I'm not alone.

"We're leaving to a hotel soon," she changes the subject halfway out the door, leaving me the only person left in the room. Now I'm really alone, and it doesn't feel any different.

Billie's POV:

That was fucking terrible. I had to leave before it got any worse, even though I'm the one who made it that way. I hate doing that to her but I can't have her and everything else like I thought I could before.

Part of me wants to run back to Hannah and apologize and forget some bullshit thing I thought in the middle of an emotional song. But I can't physically move backward or forward, and I stand awkwardly in place instead.

"That was amazing," Finneas cuts in, wrapping his arms around me. Relieved, I relax into his hug and my mood lifts up a little, like for a second I forget everything that's happening.

"Says you, bro," I smile back at him, for real this time. He ruffles my hair then swivels his head to each side.

"Hey, where's Hannah? She's barely left your side since we picked her up," he teases, frowning when he sees the way I react. He opens his mouth to ask what's going on, when she calls out from behind.

"Right here," she says weakly through watery eyes. God, I hate what I'm doing to her and myself. I'm caught in between her and the what-if's.

"Is everything good?" Finneas finally speaks, looking from me to her and back again. Hannah just shrugs, looking up at me with sad eyes to be the one to answer him.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

There's nothing really wrong with us but it doesn't feel right either. 

A/N: omg it hurts ending the chapter like this but it'll get better (not the next chapter tho lol)