call out my name (billie eilish girl x girl)

ivy

chapter song inspo: ivy, frank ocean

If I could see through walls, I could see you're faking. If you could see my thoughts, you would see our faces.

Billie's POV:

"Billie, if you ever leave like that again, without even telling me---"

"Mom! I said I was sorry, let it go already," I interrupt my mom going off for the hundredth time. Hannah nudges me and gives me the 'dude, chill' look. I sigh and apologize one more time to her until she looks satisfied.

"At least you got back in time, the plane leaves in a few hours," she reminds me as she leaves the room. I look to Hannah and her face falls. When she catches me staring she fakes a smile, which I hate.

"Oh, you're leaving?" she feigns interest, looking down in her lap.

"Yeah, for a couple shows in Europe," I remember, honestly forgot about it with all the stress lately.

"Oh, cool," Hannah murmurs, still refusing to look up at me.

"So, are you ready then?" I ask, confused as to why she's being all weird now. Her head bobs up and she looks at me like an excited puppy which makes me grin uncontrollably.

"Wait, I can come with?"

"Duh."

Does she really think I'm going anywhere without her after finally getting her back again? Hannah practically tackles me with a big hug, throwing her arms over my shoulders. My hands on her waist hold her steady as I tilt my head back and laugh into her chest. She loosens her grip a bit and sinks down into my lap so our faces are level, and plants a soft kiss to my cheek. Then she hops up and heads for the door, calling out behind her back that she's going to go pack.

When she's gone, and I'm left alone, the guilt washes over me. I should just tell her what happened with her parents, but seeing her so happy and excited makes me not want to crush her mood. She's been through enough already and I just want to keep her this way as long as I can.

It's just one payment, and then we won't have to worry and can go back to the way things were before. So, why do I feel so shitty?

***

On the plane, Hannah chooses the seat connected to mine, and she hasn't stopped smiling since we got on. I bite my lip to hide my smile as she becomes mesmerized with moving the seat back using the button.

"I didn't know you had a plane, Bil, what else are you hiding from me?" she teases, moving to sit sideways and face me. I almost choke on my water at her words.

Oh, not much, you know, except that I knifed your dad and might pay off your parents to not out us to the cops.

Hannah squints her eyes at my reaction, her eyebrows raised to give me a suspicious look, like she's looking right through me. I try to recover and put on my resting bitch face, but that only makes her question me more. She looks around to see who's watching then leans in to whisper in my ear.

"You know I'll find out eventually, babe."

Hiding my blush at the way she said babe, I tilt my chin in towards her to whisper back into her ear.

"There's nothing to find out, babe," I copy her words, and she sighs and sits back again, resting her head on one hand. She doesn't look away so neither do I.

"Promise?" Hannah insists, not letting this go. I can't hesitate, I have to either tell her now or lie.

"I promise," I assure her. She lets out a long breath while I hold one in. Then she breaks the eye contact and wraps an arm around my waist, her head falling on my shoulder.

"Sorry, we're just so connected sometimes I don't know whether I'm feeling my own emotions or yours," she clarifies, then closes her eyes.

Yeah, she was definitely feeling mine.

An hour passes and Hannah falls asleep on my shoulder, and I try to stay perfectly still to not wake her. I wonder where she's going, what she's dreaming. If it's of me, and if it is, do I make her happy? When the excitement of going to Europe fades, I wonder if she'll still feel okay after losing her parents. Even though she never really had them, now I'm all she has, and I definitely feel the pressure sinking in. I can't mess this up; I know what I have to do.

I shift Hannah in her seat so her head's leaning back on her own chair now, and wrap a blanket over her body. She shifts and mumbles in her sleep, and I watch for a second before sneaking off to the bathroom. When I'm in, I lock the door shut and release the breath I feel like I've been holding in for hours.

I pull the post-it out of my pocket, and read it over again. Her mom even wrote down their account information, so all it would take is less than a minute to make a transfer. And then it would be done, and we wouldn't have to worry about them anymore. That's all it would take: thirty seconds tops.

I can't do it.

I can't do this to her.

But I already lied, and then promised I wasn't lying. The time to change my mind already passed. God, I fucked up.

I try to convince myself that this isn't really bad. I have more than enough money, and even though it's going to shitty people, it's for us. To keep us safe. To keep Hannah with me.

Realistically, if they went to the cops, I can guess what would happen. They would only take Hannah away and I'd probably get away with a big fine. I've heard awful stories about "therapy" people have been through, and how much that shit fucks with your head. I can't let them take her away, not just for my sake but for Hannah's.

Tears roll down my cheeks and blur my vision as I pull out my phone and enter the info on the post-it. Before I change my mind, I enter the amount and hit submit. A box pops up and asks me if I'm sure.

No, I'm not sure at all.

I click yes.

"Fuck!" I whisper-shout, digging my nails into my thighs until it stings. I can't take this--but it's already done now. It's done and we're safe. We'll be okay, I just need time to forget what I did, to distance myself from it. I hear a knock on the door and it pulls me out of my thoughts. I slide open the door and see Finneas, who's looking at me with concern that makes me want to jump into his arms and cry. I want to tell somebody what I did, for someone to tell me I'm not the horrible person I feel like right now.

"Billie, what's wrong?" his eyes drop down to the post-it still in my hand, and I quickly shove it in the pocket of my hoodie. I wipe the tears from my eyes and hug him tight.

"Please, just tell me that I'm not a bad per---," my voice breaks to pieces before I can get all the words out. He hugs me tighter and stays silent when all I need is anything but quiet.

"Billie, you're the opposite. Whatever it is, you can tell me, you know that right?"

I nod, and pull away.

"It's nothing. I'm just moody as fuck right now," I lie through my teeth, giving him a weak smile. I walk past him back towards my seat before he can say anything else. As I sit back down, Hannah shifts in her seat, groggily opening her eyes to look at me.

"Wh-what time is it," she sputters, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her palms. I don't respond right away.

Time to pretend like I didn't just do those things.

All the things I didn't mean to say, I didn't mean to do...

"Time for you to get back over here, mamas," I grin, for real this time. Hannah smiles and stretches out, laying her head in my lap. We lock eyes and she says the one thing that could make me feel better and remind me why I can't lose her.

"I love you, Billie."

We both know that deep down, the feeling still deep down, is good...