call out my name (billie eilish girl x girl)

when the party's over

A/N: sorry this is kind of short and really sad, but it has to get worse before it can get better...right? thank you for all the love:)

Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin', but nothing ever stops you leavin'

Hannah's POV:

People try to explain how it feels, that it's a connection on the same level as a drug. They work the same way, everything is amazing when you're together, but separation breeds withdrawal.

Nobody really talks about what happens if you lose your soulmate, the after. What comes with it and what doesn't. It's so painful that people are constantly left trying to chase that high, through drugs, alcohol, getting close to death, or finding someone new. Life is miserable at best without one or all of the above in the aftermath.

It's been two weeks since I last saw Billie that night; I wonder if she feels this too. Like taking in each breath feels too difficult, and I don't even know if it's worth it. Of course, I want to go back to her but I don't know what'd I be going back to. I know I have to move on, that it is possible and has been done before by others.

But how do you move on if half of you belongs to someone else? I wish I never went to her concert. Maybe that's a lie. Thinking about her hurts way too much and I need someone else or this feeling won't go away.

My phone rings in my pocket and I check it first, sucking in a breath at the name that appears on the screen, that still sends tingles down my spine.

Billie <3

I decline the call so I don't cave in, and shove it back in my pocket. I really don't know if finding someone new, someone who's lost just like I have, will make this feeling any lighter. But it can't get any worse, right?

***

Billie's POV:

"Fuck," I curse to myself. She won't even pick up. I wanted to give her time, and then see if... I don't know, I had this hope that it was just a fight that would blow over with time. But now she won't answer and I don't even know where she is, if she's still in Europe or somewhere else. All the times we've been separated before felt nothing like this, because I knew I could try and find her again.

Now Hannah doesn't want to be found, and I need to accept that. I have my last European show today, and then I'm going home. What hurts the most is that I never got to bring Hannah to my house, I never got to show her my room or my shoe colllection... I had so much planned for us, but none of that matters now.

My tour has been the only thing keeping me going, like I can channel everything into my songs and connect with the people looking to me and singing at the top of their lungs. When it's over, I'm scared to be alone.

I leave my phone with my mom before going on stage, and open my mouth to tell her to answer if Hannah calls but it's pointless to say. She won't call.

It's all a blur, sometimes it feels like I black out and become a completely different person on stage. Until the slower songs, which feels like slamming on the brakes, sitting in your car all alone on the edge of the road with your heart still racing from speeding only a second before.

I slump down on the stool center stage, while the music for 'when the party's over' starts to play all around me, like I'm living in the song. I close my eyes and see the colors; I see Hannah.

"Don't you know I'm no good for you?" I sing, almost breathlessly, like the lyrics hit too close to home. I take too long of a pause, just let the feeling sink in. I still believe in no matter if you feel the best you've ever felt or the worst, to just live in that moment only. The rest of the song falls into a rhythm, a song I've sung countless times, but it's like I'm hearing it for the first.

"I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that," I finish, trailing off for the last note. I stare at my sneakers while the crowd stays silent for a second, like they can all feel what I'm feeling. But it fades as they all start cheering and screaming. This is when I smile, when I peek off to the side of the stage and Hannah blows me a kiss.

I don't smile this time.