call out my name (billie eilish girl x girl)

limbo

A/N: yooo there's only two more chapters left... but i'm writing a sequel to this which picks off right where this one ends cause it's intense as fuck. oh it's gonna be called 'because i'm bad'  or 'robbers' i'm not sure yet and kinda takes a major turn from this book in a bad but good way if that makes sense. so make sure to follow for updates on when that's coming out n stuff!

inspo: limbo by billie :,(

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I'm not trying to save us anymore, cut me loose, cause you're too far away

Billie's POV:

"Thank you," I murmur when the time's up from my second therapy session. It's like, she finally gives me answers, even though they're hard to accept; I have to let Hannah go, and she's showing me that I can, when I never thought I could.

"Just remember, Billie..." she waits for me to finish her sentence, her eyebrows raised. I sigh and say it with my back turned, hand twisting the door handle to open it.

"It's all in my head."

Finneas overhears me and his face falls, mixed with some emotions I can't recognize. Almost like he's disappointed and angry, when he should be the opposite. I thought he'd be glad that this mess is all over. I can go back to who I was before I met her, put all my focus back into music. I wish it were easy, it's like she's still holding onto half my brain, and my therapist is filling the other half. I'm not in control of anything anymore.

We walk out to the car in silence, and when we get in, he immediately locks all the doors and slams down on the gas, peeling out of the parking lot. I wait for him to say something, but he stares straight ahead. We miss the turn to go back home and I finally succumb and be the one to talk first.

"Where are we going?" I mumble under my breath, and his expression stays fixed, unreadable. It's not like him to be this way, but it's not like me to be this way either. Maybe we're both lost.

"It's a surprise," he kinda smiles and I decide to let it go, let it happen. It feels easier just letting things happen to me, letting people tell me what to do. To sleepwalk through everything and shut down my feelings. I don't want to be sad anymore, but I don't want to be happy either. I want to be nothing.

When an hour passes, I grow really suspicious, and I hate not knowing. But hate is an emotion and I'm not gonna let myself feel it. I close my eyes and try to shut out the memories that always haunt me when I'm not forcing myself to be busy. The raindrops sliding down the window, leaving little trails behind until they evaporate, remind me of the night in the pool.

"I wanted to tell you this or uh, do this, for forever now. I'm tired of waiting for the perfect moment when every moment with you is perfect."

Shut up shut up I don't care

"I want to make this real, not that it isn't already, but I need to really know you're mine."

They're just memories

"So, uh, wanna like, I don't know--"

They don't matter

"Duh."

I wonder if she still kept the ring, I wonder if it ever meant anything to her at all.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted last night to be special..."

I remember the guilt I felt for taking her to the pool, when if we would've stayed inside, maybe we wouldn't be here. But what if Hannah was just waiting for the right time to leave, and the guilt I've carried and the what-ifs I played out in my mind was all for nothing?