Spiderson Oneshots

Therapy--Natasha, Steve, and Peter

Warnings: Suicidal ideation, self-harm, and long.

Pairing: Steve x Natasha (only a little at the end)

Peter's P.O.V.

I didn't like to talk about how I felt. The fear of being a burden coursed too much through my veins for that. But music...that was something different. Music didn't require words, nor even music. It didn't need anything but an instrument.

When I discovered the grand piano in Mr. Stark's tower, it was late. I had just returned from patrol and couldn't sleep due to the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I was wandering around with a flashlight because the tower was really dark at night. I had seen the flashlight reflect off something in one of the rooms, and I had gone in. The room was clean, yet it didn't seem like it had been used in years. I had shut the door gently behind me and made my way over.

The grand piano shone under the light of the flashlight, not a fingerprint gracing its sides. I pulled out the stool gently, sitting at it and pushing up the fallboard. I had propped up the lid and settled my right foot above the sustain pedal.

I had smiled as I pressed down the upper octave A key. I hadn't played a piano before, only remembering the faint memory of my mom sitting at one and singing. I'd been really little and couldn't sleep, so I had crept from my room instead. I'd seen her there and just listened, reveling in the beauty of the instrument. That had been before I'd had to live with Aunt May, before their death, and before we'd become poor. We'd been able to afford a piano then.

I didn't know what the pedals did then or how to read music when I'd first touched the piano in Mr. Stark's tower. I hadn't known much. However, I had known of the loneliness I felt. I didn't feel important, reduced to patrol and never doing anything. Besides that, there was the general feeling of uselessness and horribleness.

I had just played, letting my feelings bleed into music, just like I did now. Now, I knew what the pedals did, and I knew how to play with two hands. I'd been studying people at concerts and on YouTube, learning gradually. Sitting at the piano was a nightly thing now, and Mister Stark knew nothing of it. With Karen's help, I'd learned new songs, but I'd asked her not to tell my boss of it. I didn't want to play for people; this was therapy, not for performance.

I enjoyed playing off sheet music, but the real joy came from just playing. I was free then--no key signatures to follow, no orders to listen to. It was just me and the piano. However, the pieces I'd learned had crept into my music. Tonight was a mixture of "Amazing Grace" and "Walk Beside Me" along with my own compositions.

I let the eighth notes flowing from my fingers, blending them with chords into a tune that would seem upbeat yet was melancholy. I let the music talk for me. I felt horrible. I'd been unable to save another person, and the guilt had set in. I was so young, why did I have to bear this weight? Was this punishment? I felt empty and guilty. I felt like I'd never feel happiness again. No one seemed to understand that.

I didn't even realize I was crying until Karen had asked me what was wrong. I replied that it was nothing, just the music, yet she asked if I wished to call Mister Stark. I didn't want to disturb him, and I refused. Mister Stark did enough for me as it was, I didn't need to wake him up too.

Instead of pushing the pain away, I let it flow through my fingers. My talent wasn't much, yet it was enough for me. This was enough. This was my therapy. I could hear their laughs every day with the screams of those I'd failed to save. Yet the music pushed it away. When I played this piano, nothing could harm me, not even myself. My fingers were occupied; they could not rip my skin any longer.

"When did you learn to play that way?" Natasha whispered, making me jump. I wasn't surprised; someone would find me eventually.

"I didn't. I just play." She came farther into the room, shutting the door behind her. The room was dark for there were no windows. I didn't need light for I played from the heart. I let the last note ring out with the sustain pedal and looked at her.