Spiderson Oneshots

Crushed--May and Peter

A quick note before we start: this takes place during Homecoming when Tony took Peter's suit. I wrote this one a while ago when I first saw it. Also, anything that I've written so far or will write has nothing to do with Far From Home. It is all a coincidence. I haven't seen it yet, and I will mention if there are spoilers when necessary. Thanks! :)

Warnings: Attempted self-harm and fluff.

Peter's P.O.V.

I breathed in and out, my breathing uneven despite my attempts to steady it. I was okay. I was not going to freak out. It was only temporary; Mister Stark wasn't taking my suit forever. He wouldn't. He was proud of me. He wouldn't want to stop me...right?

My hair was wet from the shower May had asked that I take. I stared at the towel in my hands. I didn't know why I was holding it. I'd gotten dressed in pajamas, but I'd just lost the want to stand. I had lost the want to do anything. I'd sat down, staring but not really looking at the damp towel in my hands.

Water dripped from my hair down to my face, falling like tears. I couldn't cry. May couldn't see me cry. I wasn't weak. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I was far beyond it. I had pleaded. I'd been so close to tears when I had to tell May. Had I hidden it too well again? She didn't hear the sadness in my voice or how close to tears I was. She didn't see it or hear it. Liz said I was bad at keeping secrets, but I'd kept Spider-Man. I'd kept this. I'd kept everything from everyone, and it hurt.

I wanted to scream and wanted it to echo. I wanted everyone to hear it. Wanted them to finally notice. Notice how much I was hurting. But I wouldn't. My problems were nothing compared to May's. She was so much stronger than me. It would be rude to say that I was going through stuff in front of her. She had lost her family except for me. I wish she'd lost me instead of the others. I wasn't important. I was nothing without the suit, and that part of me I was hiding. Did that mean I was nothing? I was weak, and I could do this. No one deserved my burdens.

I would never be enough. I could be standing under a thousand spotlights and never be enough for myself. I apologized, and I was scared to be seen. The lives I took from families by not being enough haunted me. I didn't deserve love, and there was nothing I was worthy of.

I coughed over the lump in my throat. My throat hurt, and my eyes pricked. I wouldn't cry. I was too far gone for tears.

"Peter? You good?" May asked, knocking gently on the door.

The lie came easily to my lips. "Yeah, fine. Just looking for pajamas."

"Okay." I heard her footsteps retreat and stood up. I went and hung the towel up, walking quietly behind May, who was reading. I wasn't worthy to disturb her.

My feet took me to my room, and I shut the door. I stared at my wrists. They were too perfect for the rest of me. I glanced at my fingernails. She wouldn't question it if I said that I'd accidentally cut myself. If they weren't even, she wouldn't think I'd done it purposely. If she did at all.

I didn't feel anything beyond the sting. White lines crossed my wrists but faded back to their usual colors. I let my fingernails bite harder, but it did the same. I clawed at myself, begging to feel something. For my wrists to reflect me.

I hated it. I hated bottling my feelings until when I could be home. I hated watching Liz walk through the halls and talk to me like I was a friend, never knowing how happy she made me. I hated carrying the guilt of lives lost on my shoulders. I hated not being good enough for Mister Stark.

I missed the suit, but most of all, I missed KAREN. She'd been someone to talk to, someone I could trust. I missed not being able to swing until all I could feel was proud of what I'd been able to do at fifteen years old.