Spiderson Oneshots

Crumble--Natasha and Peter

Warnings: Endgame spoilers, character death, some suicidal ideation, and some language (cue Cap's line from Age of Ultron).

Quick note: This piggy-backs off the "Therapy" and "Words" oneshot. You don't have to have read them, but it makes a little more sense if you have.

Peter's P.O.V.

3:00 a.m. So cliché. And here I was living it. I hadn't intended it. You never do.

The rain was pouring, clattering against the window. Lightning lit up the room briefly. Thunder boomed, and I buried my head beneath my pillow. I trembled, feeling like I was being crushed. I felt like I was crumbling. My breath came in gasps, and tears found solace in my eyes, refusing to fall. The memories attacked relentlessly. 

---~---~---

I was curled up in Aunt May's arms, swaddled in blankets. We watched the scene in horror as it unfolded on the screen. The room was dark, and we could hear the rain against the windows. But we were focused on the TV. It showed us a fiery mass--all that remained of the plane. The newsperson talked loudly over the howling winds and hard rain, but we weren't listening. All we could see was the names of the dead across the bottom of the screen. Unrecognizable but for two. Richard and Mary Parker. I was young--no more than I child--but I understood that. More than I should have. I couldn't believe it; I didn't want to believe. I wanted them to come home. But I knew they wouldn't. Hope couldn't bring people back. 

---~---~---

It was pouring rain. I was drenched to the bone, and I shivered. I heard the gunshot--heard it repeating over and over in my head. My head throbbed. My eyes were locked on the man in front of me, motionless for some time. The blood oozed from the corner of his mouth, and only the whites of his eyes were visible. A look of surprise was evident on his face. Bruises marked his face, but the biggest sign of damage was through his chest--a bullet wound. Water mixed with the blood, cleansing his face, turning the water red. My body was too numb to cry. I was too young to have experienced this. In my mind, I was still begging for him to hold on. He needed to come home. He had a wife; he had me. We needed him. But I knew he wouldn't be coming home. Wouldn't come through the door with a grin on his face and a cheery grin. I hoped with my heart that it wasn't real, that I was seeing things, but I knew it wasn't enough. Hope couldn't bring people back. 

---~---~---

The rain was pouring like so many of the worst days of my life were. May had been walking home, and I had watched from the apartment window like I always did. I'd seen the car come out of what seemed like nowhere as she was crossing. Within an instant, I'd been out the window, swinging to reach her. I'd been too late by only a second. She had gone to the hospital and died of internal bleeding. I had hoped she'd come home, but hope couldn't bring people back, as I knew all too well. 

---~---~---

I shivered under the covers. My throat burned from holding back the tears. My fingernails had left marks on my palms from where I had clenched my fists. I curled up, trying to push away the memories. But the rain kept pouring, and the memories kept coming.

I tossed off my covers. I had to get to Nat. I shuffled to her room, but the door was open--something that never happened. When I pressed on into the room, it was empty. It was then I remembered--she was gone. Pushing the door closed, I collapsed to my knees. I needed help. I needed someone. But no one else cared. My parents, Uncle Ben, Aunt May, and Nat were all gone. Who was I fooling, they didn't care?

I had never felt smaller. I felt like I was crumbling into pieces. I had to help myself before it happened again. I had to get to the piano. I had to get it out. But my body wouldn't move.

I wanted to scream. Wanted to call for help. But who would hear me? They weren't listening. I tried to repeat my mantra in my head. Tried to bottle it up. But it was too much.

I needed Nat. I needed her soft voice that she reserved for me when I needed it. I needed the light that she projected.

She had promised that she'd be there when I needed her. She said that she'd be back in a minute. She said that I wouldn't have to be alone. But she'd left when I needed her most. I'd never again hear her voice. I'd never again hear her heartbeat as she held me close.

I wanted to do something. I wanted to scream. Wanted to cry. But I was numb. I could've saved her. It should've been me. She had been doing better--finally getting over her past--but she'd never heal now. It should've been me. It should've been me.

I knew exactly what I needed. I stood up, my legs shaking. I could get to her. I could see her again. And...Tony. They would be there to greet me.

I stumbled and tripped. Fell and crashed. But what did it matter?

The rain pelted me hard. Lightning flashed nearby, and I felt the thunder in my heart. It took only a few strides to reach the edge.

It was so far down. Cars drove, only a few populating the roads now. Lights reflected in the puddles. It would be quick. I'd see them again.

"Peter?" Karen's voice was gentle. "Your heart rate is rising. Should I contact Mister Banner?"

"I want to talk to Nat, Karen," I said, the rain running down my face, drenching my curls. I shivered.

"Nat is not here, Peter."

"I know that." I sat down on the edge of the building, my legs dangling.

"Should I play the recording from Miss Romanoff?"

"Recording? I--yes."

"Peter, you need to step back from the edge."

"Just play it."

"Protocol states that you must step away from the edge." I stood up and walked back a few steps. "Thank you. Playing recording from Natasha Romanoff."

A life-size hologram flickered to life from my suit. Natasha stood in front of me. I sat down and just watched.

"Hey, baby boy," she said. I choked on a sob. "If you're watching this, it probably means that I can't be there for you. It probably means that you really need my help." Her blue form squatted down in front of me. "I know how it feels to want help and have no one to give it. But people always come along. I know it feels like you have no hope at all, and that the world wants to crush you. I know, Peter, I know. It's going to be okay. Let me tell you a secret: you just have to find a therapy. I know you remember that night that I found you at the piano. We talked about how I write. That's one of my therapies. Another one is talking to you, honey. The thing is, the world is going to hurt, but it'll provide ways to fix you. You can play the piano. You could cook. You could watch Morgan. Hell, you could even watch this. Whatever makes you feel better except hurt yourself more. It doesn't make anything better. You end up regretting it." The hologram flickered, and I brought my knees to my chest, staring at her.

"Baby, I know it hurts. It hurts so much. But everyone wants to help. You can talk to Steve--he was there for you. Talk to Stephen. Talk to Wanda. It doesn't have to make sense. Just talk. Show them this. Just don't suffer alone.

"It will feel like you have no hope. It will feel like the whole world is against you. But all of us are your family. We'll always be there. We'll be watching over you." The hologram flickered again and died. I choked on a sob. I missed her so much. I missed him so much. I didn't want to live in a world without them. But tonight...I was going to be okay. I sighed and stood up, retreating to my room. No, I wouldn't be getting any more sleep, but that was okay. Because I'd stepped back from the edge. And maybe that was one step for me in the right direction. 

I have an important note before you go. I will be going on a vacation leaving tomorrow. I will most likely not be able to post this Thursday, so I will be posting tomorrow. As for next week, I will still be gone. I don't know how good the wifi will be. If I can, I will post both oneshots next Tuesday. If not, I'm not dead, just busy. :)

Secondly, thank you for 200 reads! It's a wonderful feeling for that many people to see and appreciate the stuff I put so much work into. I hope you enjoy them and will continue to. :)

As always, have a wonderful day!