Spiderson Oneshots

PB&J--Natasha and Steve

Warnings: Language, character death

Pairings: Steve x Natasha (platonic or romantic--it's up to you)

Natasha's P.O.V.

It's funny how quiet it is in the Avengers Compound. A place that had felt so full of life only a month ago, a place where it felt like noise was ingrained, reduced to the silence broken only by my loudly exaggerated footsteps and breathing. It feels like a constant mission--no noise, me alone, and awaiting news.

I've always liked being alone. When I was in the Red Room, people meant tests and punishment, while being alone meant peace. No screams, no people. But living here without any interaction but holographic chats with people who want me to give up has made me question it. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed Tony's jokes, or Steve's kindness, or Fury's bossiness.

And I know I should be grateful. I didn't get snapped. But sometimes I wish I did. Death would be so much easier than living like this. Death is forgiving. I could be free. I wouldn't have to be overloaded with an aching sadness. I wouldn't have to watch my best friend become a murderer like me or my friends go to make lives and leave me behind.

I never wanted this job. I didn't want to have to be in control because I've always been afraid that I'll screw it up. I can't lead. What if I break? What if I snap? I'm too dangerous to be in a job like this. But it's the only distraction I've got. I have no one to talk to but them.

I've spent hours with my finger resting over the button to call one of them. To call Fury even if he won't pick up. To call Tony even if it never reaches him. To call Steve even though he'll be busy helping the people. Any one of them would do. But I always hesitated. They wouldn't want to hear from me.

I've watched so many movies like The Help and Mulan. Binged shows like The Goldbergs and Full House even if I didn't particularly care. They were normal shows made by normal people about normal people. It was easy to pretend I was normal like them too. But shows are ended. Movies ended. Nothing is permanent, a fact that the world keeps proving to me over and over. Why do I have to feel permanent? Why couldn't I have been snapped? Why am I still stuck here in this ungrateful world running a thankless company that lost almost everyone?

Love. It took me a while to find that answer, but I did. I love this family that we've made. Love this protection. Love making up for my mistakes. I just wish my mistakes hadn't led to everything. If only I'd been stronger. I could have saved them all.

When Steve comes, we'll break out the board games. Clint had a stash for when his kids came over. We don't talk much. We both need the distraction, and we know that talking will lead to the exact opposite of that. We've played the game of Life more times than I can count. Steve's a pro at Battleship. We play Scrabble, and Jenga, and so many other games.