worlds apart || j.jk + p.jm

18

To: thecalicocat95@gmail.com
From: far_away_oceans0901@gmail.com
Subject:
Sent: Wednesday, December 9th, 2018

I agree. I don't really feel anything between anymore and I can't really see you being anything more than my best friend. I'm so glad we're on the same page.

Me and her did talk about it and we were honest about the situation. She told me she liked me. I told her I liked her. We went on a date. And now I guess we're seeing each other? Dating? Not officially together, though.

She's really cool. I think you'd like her if you ever met her.

And even though she's American, me being Korean and being limited with my English as of now, she doesn't really find that a problem. She told me she had started learning Korean a while ago, but she still doesn't really understand haha. She only knows come casual words and small sentences. It's really cute, honestly.

I'm not spending Christmas alone! We're going to this really cool party at one of her friend's house. I've met her before and she seems really nice.

I hope you're okay. Are you still drinking water? No more coffee or energy drinks or alcohol? Have you been sleeping?

I just want thank you for being so kind and caring. You really are the best. I really am thankful for you and I hope you know that and believe that, okay?

I'll talk to you soon!

- Cooky

                        ____________

Jungkook felt a pain of something mixed with guilt and longing as he clicked out of the gmail app on his phone, locking the device and slipping it into the pocket of his coat.

He was outside on one of the benches on the campus. It was freezing outside, but he didn't want to go inside just yet for his next class. Instead, he decided to just people watch while he waited for the next thirty minutes to pass by.

He was lying when he said he didn't feel anything between him and Calico. Of course he did. He did when they started talking and he still does. And he saw him more than just a best friend.

He really wanted him to be more than that.

But there was so much in the way. So much Jungkook had to actually think about before just jumping into a situation that was as murky and unclear as a lake with waste in it.

Jungkook knew nothing about Calico besides everything he'd told him. He didn't know his real name or what he looked like or exactly what school he was going to. And because of that, he felt a walk between them. He felt skeptical - and rightly so.
Calico could be anyone. Jungkook couldn't help but think at times that maybe it was all fake and he wasn't real and it was all some scheme or prank or something. It scared him to think like that, so he tried not to.

Jungkook has become so confused about his identity. Who he loved and what he wanted to do. He wasn't sure about anything. At first, he was for sure that he only liked guys. But now, he felt that maybe he likes both girls and guys. He wasn't opposed to this. He just felt that he had been living some kind of lie for the past two years. Like he had been lying to himself.

He just hated all of this. It was too much.

He was in uncharted waters.

His mother was overbearing and he hated to keep things from her, but he knew he had to if he wanted to keep her happy and keep himself from thinking the way he did when he was younger. When things had started getting bad. He never wanted things to go back to how they were then. He just wanted his mother to be proud of him for once.

He almost failed high school. He was slower than the other kids and for that, he would get picked on. And going home to his mother was honestly no different. All she did was point out his every flaw. Those days were the worst days of his life. A nightmare he'd never want to ever experience again. Something he'd never wish upon his greatest enemy.

He couldn't tell her about his sexuality or how he felt so lost with no direction. She would only get mad or overlook the situation. He really felt like she never cared. It was something he thought about more than he'd like to.

He felt that he couldn't tell anyone about his sexuality. He was scared.

He was the foreign kid who could speak only little English and he was already so shy. People already gave him looks sometimes as he walked through the halls or around campus. He hated to imagine what it would be like if people knew he wasn't straight.
He knew maybe it wouldn't be a big deal because times have changed and most people are accepting. But there a lot of others who aren't. And the uncertainty really scared him.

But Calico understood. Even though he was out and free and accepted, he understood Jungkook.

He would think about Calico and how he's out and not really giving two shits about what others thought about him. Well, at least that's how it seemed to Jungkook. He wanted to be that way. He wanted to be confident in himself.

But he couldn't be.

For as long as he could remember, Jungkook felt insignificant. Small. No one worth remembering. Nothing special. He tried not to let that bother him. He was good at putting on a brave face and trying to see the positive side and make that outweigh all of the negative. But it was hard. And as time keeps going on, it's only getting more difficult for him.

The pills he took only helped just a little. They were for him to take so that they could at least level his depression and anxiety. They do that pretty well. But it's all still there. It's not going to ever go away, and he knew that. So he tells himself not to make a big deal out of it. Not to stay sad just because he's going to have to live with the ugly mental illness for the rest of his life.

He wanted to be more than his depression and anxiety. He was determined to be more.

This is something Calico knows nothing about. Jungkook hasn't told him and he doesn't know when he will, but for now, it's his. His illness is for no one else to think about or talk about or worry about. It's what he has to deal with.

The girl who he kissed was someone he had been friends with since the beginning of the semester. Her name is Isabel and she's really funny and loves art and tattoos. She's one of the nicest people Jungkook has ever met and she thinks the same about him, too. They're both really shy, but have warm and beautiful personalities.

They were drunk when the kiss happened, but it wasn't the type of kiss people have when they're drunk. It was almost... delicate. Very soft and careful. Like the two of them are.

They both felt something in the kiss, but they brushed it off because they weren't sober. After talking about it, though, they agreed that they both felt something in the kiss.

They decided to try and date and see what happens. They obviously like each other, but they want to take everything slow. Moving too fast ruined things. And they knew that if they were ever to break up (if they did decide to officially be together), that it wouldn't be messy or dramatic at all. It's not normal for either of them to make big deals out of things. They would still be friends and go on as if nothing ever happened.

But Jungkook just couldn't shake thought of Calico out of his mind. Thoughts of maybe feeling things for him.

It was all too much.

He pulled his phone back out to check the time and realized he should've been starting his way to the building five minutes ago. He got up, put in his earphones and went straight to the playlist he made for Calico.