Peter Goodman has never been in love. He disregards other's emotions including his own. He lives his life being a wingman, with no attachments and meaningless sex. It's a tiring life, until one day he decides that maybe instead of sleeping with the...
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Benny had moved out two days ago. I remained in the apartment unwilling to attend class or the gym. I felt conflicted, with what had happened and I felt like at any second my brain would combust. I was trapped in my own head, my mind consumed me with plundering thoughts.
Was I right by choosing a girl I barely knew over a three-year friendship?
For two days I thought out the pros and cons of having both Sandra and Benny in my life. I didn't understand why I was put in a position of choosing between them when my relationship to each was so different. I couldn't help but feel like I had jumped the gun with my newfound relationship. How had I fallen for her so helplessly?
I liked her a lot, but was she worth all of this?
It killed me to think that maybe she wasn't, but I would be a fucking liar if I said those thoughts didn't come to mind. I tried to put myself in Benny's shoes, how would I feel if he chose a girl he had just met over me? The thing is he would never do that, of that I was certain.
I hated this. I hated the thought of losing Sandra, but I also hated the feeling of having lost Benny. He stuck with me through thick and thin. I had stopped myself from calling him because even though somethings he said made sense he still did some pretty fucked up shit. He shouldn't speak about Sandra the way he has, she didn't ditch him, I did.
I was to blame for everything.
For the past two days, I had inadvertently also avoided Sandra. She had tried to reach me through text and even call, but she had stopped last night. I suppose she gave up on my ass. I didn't blame her for what was going on, but I felt like I needed space from her. Lately, she seemed to consume too much of my life.
My ongoing self-pity seemed to last me another night and before I knew it two days turned into three. I was starting to find my situation comical, but maybe it was because I felt like I was losing my mind. By the time I managed to gather myself to eat, my door shook with multiple knocks. I dreaded the thought of facing anyone, so I continued to pour myself some cereal ignoring the continuous knocks.
I could hear muffled voices, I was sure one of them was Sandra. I was guilty and ashamed for suddenly ghosting her. I hadn't had one of my episodes in a while, surely she would've dumped me if she knew I had them. It's just that I can't process things normally and tend to fall into a self-loathing state.
