Where is my mind

8

Inside my room, I pulled on a grey long sleeved shirt, carefully picking one that succeeded in hiding all my various self-inflicted cuts that ran all along the inside of my arm. I didn't hate myself, I told myself over and over. No, I was simply curious. I wanted to know what made up a human being. And I've come to the conclusion it's lots, and lots, of blood. Pools of sticky, red, blood. I shuffled out of my room with Mandy's duffel bag slung over my shoulder, stuffed with whatever clothes I pulled out first. I couldn't fucking care less. Having matching outfits was the least of my concerns. I was being kicked out of my own goddamn house, my goddamn 'friends' are stalking me wherever I go, and my goddamn brain is completely broken to hell. Ian and Mandy sat on the couch out in the living room, quietly whispering to each other. I hated it, I'm not fucking four, and they aren't my fucking parents consulting with each other about how naughty I've been. They looked up when I appeared into the room, and I moved over in front of Ian and Mandy who now stood in front of the couch. I pulled my mouth down into a frown and narrowed my eyes, making myself look as pissed as possible.

"Hey Mick, um, so I guess you're gonna stay with me for a bit," Ian smiled. I glared at him and then I stared daggers into Mandy.

"I know you're not pleased with this Mickey, but I don't know what to fucking do. I can't even leave you by yourself anymore."

"The fuck you mean? I don't need a fucking babysitter I can take care of myself!" I yell, Ian began to step forward to intervene, but Mandy put a hand up to stop him.

"No, you can't. You don't think I can't hear you screaming every goddamn night? How many times I've had to clean up broken shards of fuck knows what off your fucking floor?"

Ian and I both had looks of complete bewilderment on our faces. Mandy huffed and rubbed her hand over her face, brushing stray black strands of hair out of her face. She continued in a more measured, calmer tone, "are you on something Mick? You smoking meth or something?" My heart broke in that instant. The roaring storm of rage subsided and I now stood in the broken aftermath, my home in shambles. What kind of big brother am I to scare the living daylights out of my sister? She was always there for me, she served the world, and if she wants me gone, so be it. I want me gone. I nodded slowly, bending down and grabbing my bag. I sullenly trudged out the door, Ian said goodbye to Mandy and gave her a reassuring hug. I almost felt jealous. I won't ever admit it, but I wanted Ian to give me hug. Kevin's truck was out in front and I stumbled down the porch, it fucking pitch black outside. I don't like that at all. Imagine all the places they could hide. I hurried into the truck and slammed the door, compliant to Ian driving me to the Gallagher's.

"Where is everyone?" I questioned, scanning the seemingly empty house. Ian snorted and replied, "God, who knows?" He reached back and grabbed my free hand. He led me over to the staircase and climbed up the stairs towards Lip's empty room. I instantly felt a pang of guilty deja-vu from the event that had transpired earlier, and dropping my bag by the bed, I turned towards Ian.

"Hey, um, what I said earlier . . . I didn't mean it, I was just fucked up beyond my mind," I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck to awkwardly comfort myself. Ian smiled and moved in front of me, gripping my shoulders and pulling me into a kiss. When he pulled away, he leaned his forehead against mine, and smirked.

"Don't worry about it, okay? It's been a long day let's just get some sleep."

I nodded against his forehead and watched Ian as he turned away and stripped himself out of his jeans. I knew he was itching to ask what 'fucked up' particularly meant, and props to him, wisely decided not to bring it up. I numbly worked away the button on my jeans, when I noticed Mother standing at the far corner of the room. I looked between Ian and Mother, but Ian just continued his business, bending over and pulling the covers back. I was so exhausted, every time I blinked I fell in and out of the brink of consciousness. I finally was able to step out of my jeans and slide into bed next to Ian. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh of contentment, only to jerk them open again, feeling those black eyes settle on me. Mother was still standing there, staring at me. I shifted uncomfortably against Ian's chest, and tried going back to sleep. I was just on the verge of falling into sleep when I could still feel Mother's demonic eyes of endless pits stare down at me. I squirmed again and curled my fists tighter into Ian's T-shirt.