n. the moment you realize that you're currently happy-consciously trying to savor the feeling-which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it's little more than an aftertaste.
It starts like this. A normal and tasteless day where the sun is shining bright as ever with the wind consistently blowing on the dusty and bird poop streaked glass panes of the windows is the only apology that can be acquired from the intense heat the scorching sun brings.
Her phone nestling beside her, calls out to her in panicking screams as it tries to get her ass up from the blissful slumber of sleep. Keeping the phone on silent was a great decision because her brain is enough to be the alarm to remind her that today is the day.
Waking up and opening the eyes to the day will make it real.
She picks the phone up and it's still there. The confirmation. Yes. I'll try to go right after basketball practice.
Will he, really?
It's incredible how a simple agreement to hang out way past the confinements of a messaging application with the dreaded existence of the three dots looming across her eyes as she waits can make forgetting the shitty situations of a teenager easier. Not so fast you still have to wait whether he'd really show up.
Talking behind a screen is a lot more like a shield that blocks you against all the real stuff.
It doesn't make you aware of how one or the other would wait idly with a shred of patience till a reply comes in after saying that the other has to take a bathroom break or something as comical as him having to take time to do his step by step skincare routine whereas she only applies a single piece of cotton with face cleanser. A notification then appears and always on cue, both fingers and the brain are partners in crime working together in hopes of avoiding sounding like an idiot.
It doesn't make you aware of the smiles, grins, chuckles and smirks that can appear on each other's faces after a lame joke or a shitpost video link was sent.
It doesn't make you aware of the way breaths are sucked in when the other says something so mind-numbingly different. Something that's so comforting. Simple yet it feels like a warm hug in a cold winter evening. Something that keeps you awake in the late evening with the silhouette of the sun appearing, still with a smile etched that never seems to disappear.
It doesn't make you aware of the little things that happen involuntarily.
It's a feeling that doesn't disappear. The scary voice that whispers within the confines of a mind that thinks so negatively all the time. He's not going to push through. Of course he wouldn't. Why would he even go after a tiring activity. Don't be stupid.
Standing idly among the brightly lit posters of movies and chatter of the old and young, she plays the same game of 'Don't expect because disappointment will definitely reflect'. The phone in her hand disgustingly feels cold with the sweat in her palms freezing ever so slowly because the tell-tale signs of nervousness is strong.
Negativity is like the closest friend she has that always seems to make time to accompany her so she won't be alone. Just like a safety blanket to deflect disappointment.
'Not today,' she guesses. A new friend seems to greet her in the form of a towering figure pushing through the crowds of people, walking around with tubs of popcorn, kids with pockets bursting full with candies and tongues stained red with sugar. It greets her in his form with a cellphone in hand slowly being kept in his jean pocket after asking her where the hell she is.
