phone calls // mgc

seven // sad

i have been feeling really sad lately, i mean i always feel sad, but recently it's been bad. everything's getting bad again.

i haven't talked to ella in about a week. ever since we expressed how we felt about each other, she hasn't talked to me. i just wanted to hear her voice. i decided to call her.

ella: hi michael.

michael: why have you been ignoring me?

ella: i-i'm sorry, michael. i've been busy.

michael: it's not because i told you i liked you, right?

ella: no, it wasn't that. like i said, i've been busy.

she sounded annoyed with me. i didn't mean to make her upset with me.

michael: ella, i feel sad. i feel really sad and depressed.

ella: it's okay, michael. you're okay.

michael: i'm not okay, ella. i constantly have thoughts running through my head, that i don't understand. i just want it all to stop.

i wanted ella. i wanted to feel her.

ella: michael, it's not your fault. it's not your fault that you have these thoughts. it's not your fault that you're sad. it's just how it ended up being, and it fucking sucks. i hope you know though, that i'm here for you always. i care about you, michael.

michael: why can't more people be like you? i never had support in my life. my father died when i was about 10, and my mom walked out of my life, because she couldn't "handle me". the rest of my family thought i was abnormal and weird, so they never treated me good. i just wish people weren't such jerks. ella, i'm so thankful to have you in my life. i know we've only known each other for a short amount of time, but you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. you make me feel normal.

i started to cry a little, and i hated crying.

ella: michael, you're so sweet. i'm thankful for you too, and you make me forget about bad things.

michael: you're the only light i've ever known.

ella: i didn't know a boy, who i met over the phone and who i barely know could make me cry.

ella is so beautiful, i don't even have to know what she looks like, but she's beautiful. other girls are just stuck up and mean, but ella is different. a good different.

michael: you're so beautiful.

ella: thank you, but we've been over this.

michael: i know, i know. inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, but i bet you're beautiful on the outside too.

ella: oh, how i wish. you don't even understand, michael. i'm ugly.

michael: nothing is ugly about you.

it was true, there was nothing ugly about ella.

ella: before i did homeschooling, all the boys called me ugly and gross.

michael: well they're fucking blind.

ella: sorry to go off topic, but who do you live with now?

michael: by myself. when my mom first left me i lived with my friend calum, but he just disappeared.

ella: oh, i'm sorry. your mom should have never done that to you.

michael: she's always been a worthless selfish bitch. i was actually happy that she left me, because all she did was tell me that i was stupid and that i'm just making everything up in my head.

ella: michael, that's horrible. i'm sorry, and you're none of those things.

michael: don't be sorry, ella. my mom was just a terrible person and she's probably just living on the streets now. she never did anything even when my dad was alive. my dad provided everything for my mom and i. then when my dad died, she fell into a deep deep depression and nearly killed herself. i was the provider for everything after he died.

i felt good expressing myself to ella, i knew she wouldn't judge me.

ella: all that shit that you had to go through will make you a stronger person, michael. you're way stronger than me, because if i went through that shit i would've had a nervous breakdown.

all of a sudden i started crying, and i felt a panic attack coming on. my head was spinning.

michael: i-it was my fault.

ella: what was your fault?

michael: IT WAS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT!

ella: michael, nothing was your fault. you're okay.

michael: my dad's death, it was my fault.

ella: no it wasn't.

michael: my dad and my mom were fighting about me that night. they were saying how i was "fucked up" and i was only 10. i didn't understand. anyways, my dad started drinking like crazy, and he left the house. i'm guessing he just got into a car accident. my mom never told me exactly what happened, but it was all my fault.

ella: michael, stop. it wasn't your fault. you may believe that it was, but it really wasn't.

i love ella. she's the only one that has been nice to me except, calum, but he disappeared. i don't know what happened to him, but i miss him. i seemed to be the only one who could see calum, because when i would talk to him people looked at me confused. my mom would scream at me whenever i talked to him.

michael: i just hate myself. i wish you and calum were here with me.

ella: what did you say happened to calum again?

michael: i honestly don't know, he just disappeared.

ella was silent for a few minutes.

ella: michael, was calum a real person?

michael: of course.

☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹ 

michael u ok

but anyway i got choked up writing this update too i really hope u guys like it and thank u so much for positive feedback ily oh and if u ever want to talk to me ;D

twitter; teeshirtmgc

vine; allison shut tf up

instagram; omfgallison