Letters to My Life

18.5. Family Time (Part 2)

Trigger warning: Suicide, rape, depression.

So, after introducing my family I can write this chapter without confusing you. Hopefully. 

As I said, my family is pretty good. We get along like 80% of the time. I'm going to focus a little on the negative for a moment just because I want you to see how it got better.

I've mentioned before that I felt like I was verbally abused? Yeah so for a while most of the words that came out of my parents' mouth were things like "you're lazy" "you're an idiot" "you're a b*tch" "if you keep eating so much you're going to be fat" etc. And it REALLY bothered me. Especially when I was doing all I could to keep my grades up and I was basically starving myself because I was so busy, so when I got a chance to eat, I would eat a lot more than usual. It was just horrible. I might be remembering it in a more dramatic way since I was a lot more moodier then, but it's still the feeling of not being enough.

One of my earliest teenage-ish memories was when I was about 11 and I had to go with my dad to a church dance because we couldn't find a babysitter and he was the DJ. He put on a slow song and asked me to dance. I still remember the exact spot we were when he said, and I quote, 'No one will ever want to dance with you, you're hands are too sweaty.' It still follows me to this day and I think that's one of the only body insecurities I have left. But I don't think that insecurity will ever go away even though it's such a small thing. And now I have an (almost?) boyfriend (sort of? maybe?) so suck on that Dad!

Saying all this seems kind of lame because I have friends who were way more than verbally abused by their family members. I don't want to go into detail, but one of my good friends was raped by her ex-stepdad. Yet, she somehow managed to forgive him. I asked her if she would have trouble being with another partner, like a future husband. Her response made me cry because she said something along the lines of: "I know that whoever I marry needs to love me and I will be the one to draw the line and say no if I have to. I'm actually grateful it happened because I realized afterward that I was worth so much more than a body." I cried because I don't think I could ever be as strong as her.

There was a time where I would go to my room and make a cut in my thigh every time my parents said something that mildly upset me. They weren't deep cuts because I was a chicken. At first, I would do it if they actually called me names and made me feel worthless. Then it got worse and I started cutting every time I would disagree with them, which was a lot. It escalated to my arms. And I still have (very light) scars that I can see if I stretch my skin. It's a constant reminder of how stupid I was. 

I once went on a walk with my cousin and came to a bridge with no railing. I stood up on the end and peered over the side, deciding if I wanted to jump over onto the jagged rocks or not. My cousin said, "Sam, get down, you're scaring me" and I then was too afraid to kill myself. There were so many things I hadn't tried yet. And I broke down and sat on the road sobbing for 20 minutes and telling him about how lost I felt. And I felt lost because I felt like my family didn't love me. 

About a year and a half ago I told my mom that I thought I had depression. She literally brushed it off and didn't try to help me (at first) she would tell me I'm dramatic. And it took me telling her that I literally wanted to kill myself before she believed me. She didn't take me to get diagnosed though. She gave me vitamins. And that's the closest my mom has ever been to becoming an anti-vax/essential oils mom.

That wasn't really working for me, but I felt grounded enough to be able to handle it on my own. Because I wanted to get better, with or without my parents' help. After looking back at what I was before and how miserable I was, I realized that it wasn't really my parents that were the problem. It was me. I hadn't taken the initiative to tell someone, let alone try to be better. I found a lot of that was diet and exercise.

Now that I'm past all of that I feel a lot closer to my family. Yes I still disagree with them, and I'm about ready to move out of the house before I strangle someone, but overall I would be nothing without my family. I know that my family and I can be together forever and that nothing can ever separate the love we have for each other. I hope that everyone will get to have that kind of relationship one day too.

I realize this was more of a discussion about depression, but you can probably see how it relates now.  

Your family may be a little mixed up. You could have two parents, no parents, same-gender parents, grandparents, uncles or aunts, family friends, foster parents, step-parents, aliens, but no matter who is raising you, even if it's yourself, you have people to lean on. Even if you're on your own, I guarantee you have at least one friend. If you don't you're most likely living in isolation and you need to fix that somehow. But you can always count on someone to lift your burden just a little. We're all a little mixed up, so let's be mixed up together. Let's be mixed up as a family.

Even though your family may get on your nerves at times, even if your family is abusive, you can find somewhere to go for help. It might even just be the internet. But you are not alone. Honestly, if you're struggling, I would be more than happy to chat with you until you feel better. You know where to find me.

Sorry, this chapter was a little boring, but I have more light-hearted things on the way then I get to douse you in depressing and dark things for a bit! Huzzah!

What to Take Away From This: You're with your family till the end. You can't change other people, but maybe by changing yourself you'll find that those people aren't as bad as you thought.

Thank you for reading, hope your day doesn't suck! -Sam