Letters to My Life

3. In The Dark of The Night: A Tidbit on Relationships

If you do not know the cover picture, 1) You are dead to me, 2) You have no taste in movies and 3) you were born after the years 1997 to around 2005 when it was popular.

It is currently 12:15 am on a Sunday on my upstairs computer and I still haven't gotten anything productive done. My eyeballs hurt and I should go to bed but I needed to make one last chapter.

I am the kind of person that gets stuck on one thing for a while. When I was 14 it was anime. When I was 15 it was a dude. When I was 16 it was school. Now that I'm 17 it's mainly reading, webtoons, and discovering things about myself that I didn't know. 

It shows in my music too. For years it was Taylor Swift. Then show tunes like Hamilton and Newsies. Then It was Imagine Dragons literally every day for three months. 80s hits. Now, BTS. 

So what happens when you get stuck on something more serious? Like a boy. That guy I mentioned before? Let's call him Rick because of privacy. So here's the sequence of events and then we'll get into the serious stuff. I met Rick years ago when he joined a theatre class I had been in for years. We didn't really talk much until a few months before I turned 15. Keep in mind I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. He sort of asked me out the day before my 15th and I said: "You've got to wait 366 days!" He was so close. 

Rick and I basically acted like a couple for 11 months, but we weren't official and never went on a single date by ourselves. Here is where things get confusing. It was a month before my 16th birthday. Two weeks previously Rick decided to kiss me for the first time. I found out two weeks after then that Rick had been getting comfy with another girl. We'll call her Susan. So I found out from a friend that they had been essentially going out behind my back for two months. How did I not see this? I don't know! But I couldn't call it cheating since we weren't official. Except it felt like cheating. But I get why he did it.

I was inattentive. I was so scared that my mom would find out about our "relationship" that I wouldn't let Rick hug me in public. I wouldn't let him buy me stuff (he tried to do that a lot). Also, some other stuff played into this. I can't recall a single compliment from this guy either. Basically, because of all my immature drama, I became severely depressed and moody and we brought each other down. Now you see why I get the whole cheating thing. 

But eventually, I learned to let him go. After about two or three weeks a friend informed me that Rick had been taking part in an activity that I will not mention for more sake of privacy. I was understandably upset that he had kept it from me, but we were over so there wasn't any reason for me to do anything. But from that day I realized that I was never meant to be with him. I had to let go. It took a long time. It's been a little over a year now. (I follow Rick and Susan on social media now and they actually followed me first which I found kind of strange). 

Mainly I was happy that it had happened because I realized exactly what I didn't want in a boyfriend. I wanted someone who cared about education, did not do the activity that I mentioned before, someone who liked kids, someone who was motivated to make a real living. Also, someone who could take a frickin compliment. All jokes aside, I finally moved on. I know now that if I had kept that relationship, I would be back in my room with my knife again. I am not joking about that. 

I realize now that I was more in love with the concept of Rick rather than Rick himself. I wanted a boyfriend figure in my life, and as long as someone liked me, it didn't matter who it was. Now, I said a lot of negative things about Rick just now. I would like to mention that he is not a horrible person in the slightest. He has a bunch of great qualities like a talented actor and dancer and a great joke-cracker. We just weren't right for each other. 

So back to the question. What are you supposed to do in a situation like that, where you're more in love with a concept of someone instead of the person for who they are? I honestly don't have a clear answer for you, but this is my advice. When you get a chance, take a step back, maybe even write a pro's and con's list and find out if your feelings are mutual. Find out if you're forcing yourself to be with them or not. Find out if you like them, or if you just like that they like you. It is sometimes scary to be single, but when you have more time for yourself, you become more aware of what you want when your next partner comes around. 

A few quotes applied to relationships:

"Remember, for everything you have lost, you have gained something else. Without the dark, you would never see the stars."

"When you learn to love yourself, your taste in men [a partner] will change."

"Sometimes you just have to let go of what you feel and remember what you deserve."

"Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something that's broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better."

I literally just found those on google. I am NOT the kind of person that just has a bunch of random quotes saved somewhere. Anyway. People say it's awful to be single, but honestly, this past year has been enlightening and strengthening and I kind of don't want a boyfriend for a while. Not never, mind you, but just a while. 

To Take Away From This: Anastasia is a great movie, you uncultured swine. No one is perfect, and that includes you. If it isn't meant to be, you have to let go. Things really do get better, it's not just a saying.

Thank you for reading, hope your day doesn't suck! -Sam