Thoughts

Fear

I had someone today ask me if i feared ghosts. see i wouldn't have a problem with this question if i was normal. If i was normal i would say yes. but me being the freak i am said no. I am scared of ghosts. I don't fear them. Let me explain...

Being scared of something and fearing something are two completely different things. Being afraid or scared of one thing is feeling spooked and you don't like the thought of it. Example: I am afraid of having ghosts in my house. I don't like the thought of it. But having a fear of something is something very separate. Having a fear of something means you could not even imagine how you would live with that thing. It means you would rather be dead than live with that. When people ask me my fear, i don't say ghosts or heights or stalkers. People mistake those phobias as fears. My biggest fear is having people in my life wake up and realise I'm not what they want. To realise they don't love me and never did. That shakes me to my soul. I couldn't live with that. Ive had nightmares about that happening. I wake up screaming and crying and sweating and not being able to breathe. Sometimes i think people are pretending to like me. It really hurts. It hurts when you are so scared of wasting peoples time so you keep your feelings inside and you never share them. Then they bottle up inside and you start crying yourself to sleep thinking everyone hates you. And no one realises how unhappy you are until you show the scars. But you keep to yourself because you don't want people to know how messed up you are. Because you know they'll just hate you more. And you just fear that. And everyone says that if you ever feel that way come and talk to me. But they don't realise how hard it is to actually talk to someone about it. And you fear it. You fear that life. So you just pray it never happens. You just hope that you won't have to live with that. But all you can do is hope.