Thoughts

Control

I'm so sorry to all the people in my life. I just have to apologise. Some of you know what for. A lot of you don't. I cut. I still do. I stopped in June and started again in September. I didn't mean to. I was just tired of breaking down and not having a release. I was tired of trying to be strong. I was so afraid of talking to people about my problems because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want to be the reason someone felt sad. I hate that I feel like I need everyone to be happy because honestly it's so tiring after so long. But I always do it anyway. I just don't want people to be sad because I don't want them to feel what I feel. I would rather have all the pain of each and every person on my back just so everybody would be happy, no matter what that means for me. I want pain so people won't have to feel it. I think it's better that way. For me to suffer instead of others. I need that. It hurts me way more when I see someone hurt than when I hurt myself. Cutting just helps control it. It shows me that I can control pain on the outside even if I can't control pain on the inside. It's a game of control, pain, and darkness. And I know how to win. Or at least tie. So don't worry. I have it under control. I am 100% positive I will always have it under control. Don't worry. I'm not worth worrying about. I'm fine.