Thoughts

Not Anymore

I never feel pretty in anything anymore. I never feel okay anymore. Whenever I look at myself Im disgusted in what I see. I don't even see good things anymore. When I see myself I just wonder what happened. All I see is my scars, my flaws, my mistakes, just everything. That's why I doubt people when they say they love me. I always wonder how someone could love something so ugly and disgusting. I always doubt it even when I know that they're telling the truth. Theres always that voice in the back of my head saying "what if?" And sometimes it hurts. But not all the time. Because I'm use to it. No one can tell me something I am that I haven't already called myself.

I don't feel worth anything anymore. I don't feel happy anymore. I don't trust anymore. I block myself off. It gets to a point where I'm scared when people say they love me. I don't want you to love me. I want to be alone. I don't want to hurt people when I hurt myself. I don't want you to be sad if I leave. Caring is a disadvantage. I don't want to be responsible for pain. I don't want to care. I like feeling alone. That's when I feel safe. That's why I push people away. When I'm gone I don't want people to hurt. I want them to be okay without me.

And I don't look for people to disagree with me. I don't do it for attention. I don't want your sympathy. Because that's worse. Just agree and move on. Please and thank you.