Paper Thin

• 113: Out of Line •

Melody

I knew Carson wouldn't fall asleep unless I did, so I tried. I really tried and eventually, I was asleep too. For a moment. Because then the nightmares were back. And they were worse. More realistic. More vivid. More terrifying.

"Melody! Hey." Carson's voice both startled me and saved me from my nightmares. I couldn't speak, I just gasped for air. Gasped for sanity. "Mellie. Shh... you're okay," he whispered into my ear. I felt one of his hands on my shoulder, while the other stroked my hair, anchoring me to reality. Still, I jumped slightly at the sudden contact before relaxing into it.

These are Carson's hands. Carson's hands are safe, I reminded myself.

Carson sat up and pulled me towards him. My head was against his chest, and my legs tucked into a ball. Soon, my breathing slowed down and Carson wiped away tears from my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered, feeling embarrassed.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Carson said into my hair.

"That's not true," I replied quietly. "It's so late at night. You should be sleeping, not being woken up by me."

"I don't mind Mellie," he replied.

"It's okay if you do... I know I'm a lot to deal with." It came out so quietly, I wasn't sure he heard it. I wasn't even sure I'd said it. I felt my eyes watering and I was frustrated at myself for crying, yet again.

"Melody. You have a lot going on, but you are not a lot to deal with," Carson said, kissing my hair. "I'm always here for you. I only wish you would talk to me."

I was quiet for a moment, unsure what to say to him. I wanted to talk to him too. But I was terrified of all I had to say. What if it was too much for him to hear? What if it was too much for me to hear? I wasn't sure I could handle saying anything out loud. It would make it real.

But maybe the small stuff isn't that big of a deal, a little part of me said. Maybe we can both handle that.

"I-I've been getting nightmares," I whispered, shifting so that I could stare out the window that faced the park. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, so instead, I watched the sky, which was slowly brightening into a dark, navy blue colour. "They're really bad. Really dark. Diesel's in them." My breath hitched as his name formed on my tongue. "My mom's car accident is in them. Tonight, I could see her... her body." I brushed a tear off my cheek. "So... I don't sleep. Sometimes I can't... and other times, I try not to. Because right now, being asleep is just as bad as being awake."

I held my breath, when Carson didn't say anything right away. Maybe I said too much. I started to shift, to apologize, to move, to do something. Anything. But Carson tightened his arms around me rested his cheek on the top of my head.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I'm sorry that things are so tough and that even sleep isn't peaceful."

"It's okay," was all I could respond with, though we both knew it wasn't true.

"It will be," Carson said, gently. "The nightmares will stop soon and in the meantime, I'll be here to help you get back to sleep when you need me."

"Okay," I whispered.

We were quiet for a little while, before Carson loosened his arms around me. I looked up at him in confusion, his warmth feeling further away from me.

"Let's lie down and relax. You don't have to sleep if you don't want to, but I'll stroke your hair and you can close your eyes if you want."

"Okay," I repeated softly. He laid down and I rested my head on his chest, staring out the window and into the forest. His fingers danced through my brunette waves, which felt soothing enough that I closed my eyes.