Books and Reviews [OPEN]

Review#7: 30 Days Ultimatum

Title: 30 Days Ultimatum
By: strawberrytrifles
Genre: General Fiction
Rating: 3.4\5

This the longest review I have ever written. So, lets get on with it:

REVIEW:

The cover is interesting. It attracts the attention but as your story is about a billionaire, I would suggest you to use a cover that shows what your story is really about. From the cover, it seems as if it is a typical teenger romance story.

The description is exactly how the story is but I would suggest you to lessen the description and get straight to the point. You can simply write as (it is just an example):

Mia, a sarcastic teenager has always dreamt of a perfect ever after with her boyfrind.
Despite the fact that her grandfather, her only family never approved of him, she continues to love him until one day, she learns that, for the sake of her grandfather, she has to go and live for thirty days with New York's most eligible and known bachelor, none other than Jason Steel.

"We'll both live together for thirty days and we don't fall in love within those thirty days, then we'll both part our ways and Mary whoever we want."

See? A much simpler description leading the reader straight to the point. This is just an example, of course.

Now, let's move on to the character development. You don't have so many characters so it will be easy. Let's start with Mia;

You have described her as sarcastic and over dramatic and these are the things that I can see but your description lacks at points. When I read her, it seems to me she is a seventeen or eighteen year old girl but in reality, she is a college student and has even worked in her grandfather's office. Taking this information, her behaviour is not mature enough. I get that there are thousands of people who can never take anything seriously but since she has a work experience, she should know how to greet people formally, even if your intention is to create a bad impression on them.

On the other hand, Jason, maybe not our typical billionaire, but he IS a billionaire and it means he has to do A LOT of work. You can't just take a day off so easily. Many of the billionaire have to pull all-nighters because they have so much work.

Also, billionaires are usually conserve at first. I get that he is not a typical billionaire but judging from the very first dialogue he said to Mia when he met him;

"Hi, I'm Jason Steele and I'm sure as hell don't want to marry you."

He seems cold and this dialogue suited his status too. The rest of the dialogue didn't really play fair to his status. Also, in your chapter Jason's POV you mentioned he was a serious person before Mia and if he was then after their meeting, at least till three chapters or two, Jason needs to stay rude or arrogant or simply less-talkative. Shy and reserve people need to be opened like an egg. Tearing each piece by care. 

There are also certain parts where the description lacks. Like, I still don't know how does Jason looks because he was not described at all. The only thing Mia said when he met him was,
"Wow ... damn, he was hot."

This does not explain him at all. How is his body? It is muscular? What about his features? Are they sharp or subtle? Does his face gives off an innocent look or does he have a smug face? What are the colour of his eyes? Does he wear glasses and what about his hair? There are so many questions and they can only be answered by you because he is YOUR character.

Here, you need to follow the show-not-tell rule. And how does it work?
Let me show you from this example without using the rule:

I descended the stairs and when I smelled pancakes, I remembered how hungry I was. I went into the kitchen to see my tall husband cooking pancakes for me and he looked really handsome. I really loved him.