Our Secret | Taejin✔️

Fear

Taehyung Pov:

Listening to Seokjin pour his heart out, I had no words. I wanted to scream at the fact that he aborted our baby, but why? I deserved this. I caused this. He said he's to be blamed as well, but I don't agree.

I tried wiping the tears from my eyes, but more just flowed. My chest hurts so bad. I wonder if this is how he feels when he says he's suffocating. "Seokjin, I promise you, I really promise you and meant it when I say I love you. I do, just not in the way I guess ordinary people show it. I want to be angry at you. I want to curse at you. I want to beat up the doctors who allowed this to happen, but the truth is the person I need to take action against is me. I am the cause of all of this.

I fell in love with you years ago. I became selfish with you from that very moment. Never considering how you would or how any of my actions would affect you. You made me feel, something I wasn't able to do in a long time. In you, I found my escape. In you, I found a reason to live and love again after the death of my mother. What I didn't expect was for me to be the reason for you not wanting to live. How did things turn out like this? I beat myself up daily for not asking you out like an average person, not confessing to when I should have. When you told me you wanted to leave me that day and end what we had; something in me broke. I felt fear, fear of losing the only thing that was consistent in my life, and that was you and your kindness.

I didn't think about you and what you wanted. I didn't think about how my selfish ways would affect you and your life. The first time I put my hands on you, I told myself it was okay, I'm doing the right thing for us. When I pinned you down and had sex with you, I told myself you would forgive me once you realize how much I love and care for you. When you left, I was so furious. Furious that you would separate something so great. Then when I found out you were pregnant with a child that was mine, I lost it even more. I wanted you to myself more. I feared to let you go Seokjin. I fear the moment I gave you the chance to choose without giving you an ultimatum you would leave me for good. I fear that I was never good enough for you. While you are pure at heart. I was broken.

In fear of you leaving and holding onto you, I didn't pay attention to how much you might have been suffering. Honestly, with the mindset I had, I don't think I cared either to know. I just wanted you and our daughter. I wanted this perfect family that I controlled. It's the only way I felt safe. However, I have thought about it, and I don't want it anymore. I don't want you to be around me if I don't make you happy. I've learned I can't force you to love, and I shouldn't have to do that. What I have done to you, I am so wrong for it. I want you to know I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you. I know you must regret ever meeting me. I can't say I blame you. I would regret meeting me too.

I don't want to make excuses anymore or lash out on you anymore for my own behavior. All while trying to heal, I was only destroying you more. I have used my past to impact the way I treat you, and it's wrong and selfish of me. My past had nothing to do with you. You are right; you aren't them, you shouldn't have to suffer because of them.

Right, where I am standing I want to ask you to stay with me, I want to beg you for another chance. A real opportunity, not one that's forced that makes you feel as though you have to give it to me. However, I don't think I am even deserving of having another chance. I guess you are right; I don't know where this leaves us. I don't know where it leaves our daughter. I am hurt knowing an innocent life has been lost because of our toxicity. I don't know how we move on from this. I do know I really do love you Seokjin and if letting you go is the way for me to show you that....." I took a deep breath. Could I really do this? I mean, what choice do I really have.

"I am willing to let you go. I want to give you back the freedom I took from you. Maybe I shouldn't ask this, but I have one request please don't take away Bleu completely from me. It's hard enough I can't have you, but not having her apart of my life, I don't know how I will cope. I know I deserve it, but please, I am begging you. I wish I had gone about things differently. I wish I can be given another chance to show you I can do things differently and can love you the way you want to be loved."

I know he's going to leave. I can see it in the way he looks at me.