Our Secret | Taejin✔️

His Pain

Trigger Warning

Taehyung's Pov:

"Why should I stay? What will you do differently? People don't change overnight Taehyung. I think I told you this before. Granted I give you another chance what say you are not going to do what you have already done to me and more?" I pulled a chair and sat next to his bed, pulling his hand into mine. I had expected him to kick me out of the room, but that's not what he was doing. He was asking me what would I do differently, and only one thing came to my mind. The one thing I never did all this time.

"I could create many reasons as to why I want you to stay. I could use Bleu as one of the many reasons, but that would be me trying to control you again. I want you to stay because you want to this time Seokjin. As for what I would do differently? I will give you your freedom, I will pay more attention to your feelings. Acknowledge that your body is your own and not mines. You are a human being and not a property of mines. I have made some changes, I don't hit you anymore nor do I hover over you. If you give me another chance, you will be able to live as yourself, doing the things you love and not the way I want you to be.

Seokjin I have felt the pain of almost losing you twice. This time around, I think I've already lost you. Getting another chance with you I can promise you, I will never make the same mistake in making you want to walk a third time." he pulls his hand out of my own and sat up on the bed.

"What made you like this? Why are you this way? You know something that confuses me about you, caring for our daughter is so easy for you. You look at her as though she is your entire world. She smiles, and you smile. She cries, and it's like your world is coming to an end. You are overly protective of her, which is something that definitely needs to change. Before I continue, I want to make something clear, I am not envious of your relationship with our daughter; however, I am curious. How are you able to care for her so well? Yet when it comes to me, it's like I have to walk on pins and needles around you. If I drop a bottle instead of fretting that splinters will cut me, I have to worry if you are going to be angry at me for breaking it. If someone of the same-sex texts me, I have to hide and reply to them in fear you will lash out.

Besides us having sex, us eating together, we don't have anything. You don't do anything to show me this "love" you keep professing. While I can never question your love for our daughter, I cannot help but distrust this love you so claim you have for me. The things you do to and for me does not persuade me you love me at all. I have proved with our daughter that you know what real love is, you know what it is to care. You know what it means to protect. Why am I being treated differently? Why are you so triggered by the things I do? Do you ever think that instead of me being good for you I might actually be bad for you? What if it's not the things I do that triggers you, but it's me, I am your trigger?" I didn't know how to answer him, he had hit on so many good points.

I reached back for his hand and held onto it, "You want to know why am I like this? You see when I was younger, my mother would travel with my father a lot. I don't think I ever bonded with my father, as he was always on the go, but I did bond with my mother. At least until she began traveling everywhere with my dad and they would leave me with a babysitter. At first, my babysitter was kind to me, but then he started touching me in the weirdest places. Promising me things if I did the things he wanted. At the age of five, the first time he asked me to taste him, I did it, because I didn't know what I was doing. He told me it was a special lollipop. He said I had a special candy too, and one day he would taste my lollipop. I remember asking him why I couldn't have my own lollipop, and he said it would be no fun.

I can still remember the bitter taste of him in my mouth. I remember spitting it out and telling him I didn't like the taste. He said if I kept sucking it, I would get something sweet at the end. He said it was similar to getting the gum after sucking the lollipop with the stick. I asked him why couldn't I just bite it and get the gum. But he said it wasn't gum and I could never bite it because he would cry. I didn't want him to cry. So I did what he asked me. No matter how many times I sucked him at age five, I never got the something nice like he had mention. It wasn't until age six I tasted his cum. He would touch me all the time and told me I couldn't tell my parents about it. He said it was our little secret.

This continues on until I was about eight. That's when I started to understand what he was doing. I no longer wanted it and told my mom I don't want her leaving me alone. She said she could stay home with me, but my dad yelled and said I was a brat. He said if I were lonely, he would get my babysitter's brother to come over as well. That's when the real nightmare started. They would both have their way with me. Threatened me and told me if I ever told my parents they wouldn't believe me. They said no one would. Like an idiot, I believed them. My father ignored me most of the time, so I knew he wouldn't believe me. He would more believe them. My mother, she loved me, but she was always swayed by my father and his decisions.

I became alone at home and at school. It wasn't until I was thirteen my babysitters were removed as they had to start college. They both moved away, and I never saw them again neither did I look for them. To deal with what they had done to me, I created another part of myself, the part that wasn't a pushover or scared of anyone. It's how I handled the pain. That person became my defender when I couldn't defend myself. When my mother died, that side of me came out more. Taking over my father business, that side evolved even more. I needed the monstrous side of me to handle the things small little me couldn't deal with.

When I met you that day, I was the most vulnerable I had been in a long time, but your kindness resonated with me. As I told your parents, everything was working against me after the death of both my parents. The people who worked in his company were betrayers. You showed me that there were good people in this world, people who give to give and not to receive." Seokjin squeezed onto my hand, and I shake my head at how much I had fucked up. "Instead of creating a plan to meet you again, I should have appeared to you as an average person would have done, but I didn't. I was too blind then, to see that you might have accepted me that way. I figured if I used my money and my status that would've made you fall, but you didn't. We created the contract, and you were okay with it. I wasn't, yet I was a coward. I didn't ask you out. I watch you go on endless dates, angry and sad each time you did. I couldn't understand why I was not enough for you. I began to think you were just using me for sex, not taking into consideration it was the deal we had made.

You are younger than me. I expected you to fall in love with me, but you never did. Instead, when I yelled at you, you threatened to leave me, and from there, everything went downhill. I couldn't fathom the person who brought me hope was leaving me. It's not that I don't love you, it's that I became selfish with my love for you and in being selfish with my love for you. It no longer became about you, but all about me and what I thought was best for me. It's not that I don't care of you, it's just I became afraid of being vulnerable with you. I feared the moment I let you in is the moment you would be given the upper hand. Bleu I loved freely from the beginning because I knew she and I are connected by blood. You, on the other hand, is only around because of her and because of force.

I never wanted to share my scars with you because I fear even more you would judge me. Until I realize the monsters, I had faced when I was younger I had become to you. The moment you wanted freedom, I became them. You are not a trigger for me Seokjin. I was a victim of my past, and instead of seeking healing, I chose to wrong you, who had nothing to do with my past. I took the anger I should have taken out on my perpetrators on you. Instead of confronting them, I lashed out on you, and I am so sorry, I am so sorry about that.

I can honestly say that having Bleu come into my life has done a lot to change me. It might have made me distant from you, but I wasn't withdrawn. I was only trying to figure me out and fix me. I was trying to give you time, not realizing what you were undergoing from postpartum depression and the pain of being pregnant again. Although I had done research on it, I don't think I accepted the fact that you were experiencing it nor did you confirm it when I told you. While it pains me a whole lot, I can understand why you would not want to have another child by me."

Seokjin looked at me as tears ran down his face, he said nothing, nor did he let my hand go.