Pure

4

-Demi

Figuring this girl out is quite impossible. It's almost like she isn't sure herself what she wants or how she acts.
I don't hold her responsible. She's been through a lot, it's only natural she needs to figure out what's happening right now. But it kinda worries me a little bit. She seems so helpless in a way, but she also gives off such a haughty vibe. And it's hard, I won't deny that. I'm trying so hard to be what she needs me to be, but she brushes it off as if it means nothing- she doesn't need me. I can't prove Maggie and everyone else right though, so I'm pushing through. But it does hurt more then it should. I've set myself up for disaster, I know I have. I just wish I wouldn't have realized it so fast. I wish I had more hope and actually believed that it could still work itself out. But at the moment, I'm not too positive about it. No one knows though and I do my best not to show it, so that no one will know, either.

I glance over at her, she's staring out of the window as usual. It's the most peaceful state I've seen her in yet. It's as if she blocks out everything, just looking at the landscapes that are wooshing past us. As if she focuses on what it would feel like to walk these fields with no disturbance, no worries, no shitty life problems to deal with.
One of her thumbs is resting on the wrist of her other hand, as usual. It's a thing I've noticed her do often. I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean, why she does it and what it does to her, but it seems to be some kind of a comfort thing. As if it helps her calm her nerves or something like that. She did it the first time I spoke to her. She did it in the car on the way to my house. She did it on and off throughout the whole day, the first few days she was settling in. She did it when I brought up the school subject. She did it when she ran into Maggie the first time. She did it when I told her we have meetings in all three schools she chose. And now, on our way over to them, she's doing it again.
I want to ask her about it. I want to know why she keeps on doing it and how it helps her. But I don't think I can yet. I don't think she will tell me. I don't think she wants me to ask. I'm not even sure if she realizes she's going it. It looks like a habit, almost. Like she's so used to it, she doesn't even think about it, she just does it automatically.

"You okay?" I decide to break the silence, as we're getting closer to the first school.

I hear her inhale deeply and out of the corner of my eye I see her head turning slightly away from the window- in my direction. "Good," is all she says, before turning back.

"We're almost there," I say. "You have nothing to be worried about, I'm sure it'll be great. First we're gonna talk to the principal and then he'll give us a tour of the school. You don't have to decide anything until we've seen all three schools and then you just think it over and decide what you want. You are gonna have to take an entrance exam though, since we don't have any of your grades from your last school. So they just wanna test what level you're at. But all three places said that as long as you take that test, it doesn't matter that you've missed a couple weeks. They'll just level you where they think is right for you, based on the test."

"Will they put me in a lower grade?" She asks.

That is something I'm also a little worried about. I don't want her to have to redo a whole year of school, just because of her life situation. But I really don't know. "I'm not sure."

She doesn't reply, as I see her lean her head against the back of the seat. She briefly closes her eyes and when she opens them again she's focusing on her thumb and her wrist- as if now she's very aware of having placed it there. She takes a few deep breath and then lets go, folding her arms over each other.
I've never seen her like this. She's so cocky most of the time, it's strange seeing her in a, what seems like, scared state.

I park the car and get out. Cara does the same, but keeps a few steps behind me. "You good?" I look back at her, waiting for her to keep up.

"Great," she gives me one of her fakest smiles. It's very rare that she ever has a real one. It's very easy to recognize when it's real and when it's fake, cause her entire face lights up when it's a real one. I've only seen it three times in the two and a half weeks she's been with me. All the other one have been so extremely fake, it's almost painful.