Pure

13

-Caterina

It's a whole new feeling, something I've never experienced before.
I always knew I was loved by my parents and my siblings. And I always knew I loved them back, but this yearning and missing- it's new. I don't even know how to handle it.
Also, Demi's love. I know my family loves me because they're my family. But, short of a month ago, Demi was a complete stranger. She'd never met me, she didn't know I existed. And here she is, full on loving on me. I don't know how to handle that either.

I want her to hug me, I want her to hold me in her arms like my mother would be doing. I want her to rub my back like she did last night. I want her to be with me, like my sister would be.
But I don't. I don't want her to do any of these things. I don't want her to come close to me. I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want her to know what I look like when I cry.
I wanna run away and forget about this, but I also wanna stay and hold on to the precious human that she is.
I just want so many opposite things, I don't know where to start.

I've actually been doing surprisingly well at acting like all is okay when I'm in school. I got back in and I don't wanna ruin it by being an emotional wreck, so I try very hard to focus as I would before Maggie stirred up all these bottled down feelings I had. I'm not upset with her. I mean, she had no way of knowing it was gonna have such an effect on me. I didn't even know it was gonna have such an effect on me. And in all honesty, I've said way meaner things to her then that one stupid comment she made. It was just that I had burried all those feelings and for some reason they all came back to life and crawled out of their grave when she said that. And I'm so not used to having so many feelings at once, that I don't know how to get them under control and how to handle them.

"I'm going out for a bit," Demi knocks on my bedroom door. I don't think she's been leaving the house much these days. I don't know what she does when I'm in school but I'm pretty sure she's home the entire time that I am. "I won't be long, but you can still text me if you need anything. I'm not going far, so I'll come right back."
I'm happy for her, it's good that she's going out. I don't want her to be a hostage in her own home because of me. But I don't reply. Because what am I supposed to say? Have fun? Don't leave me? Stay away forever? I'll miss you?
With all these mixed emotions that I have, I just can't decide which approach would be the right one.

I hear her moving away from my door and walking down the stairs. I know this is hard for her. It's killing her. But I can't help it right now. Not until I can figure my shit out.
I very faintly hear the front door closing and know that I'm home all by myself now. Were this a week ago- I would've loved this. I would have found some way to create some sort of trouble and irritate Demi to a point where she would actually express her annoyance. But I don't even feel like leaving the room right now, I barely even feel like leaving my bed these days. I don't feel like doing anything anymore and it's becoming a problem. I know it is and I know I need to do something about it. I'm just not sure I want to.

I almost jump out of my own skin when the doorbell rings. I don't think I've ever heard it before. I mean, Maggie has a key so she always just comes in and no one else has been coming here. At least, not when I've been home.
I don't know if Demi is back yet- I'm assuming she's not, cause she literally just left -but I'm pretty sure I would anyway not know who's by the door so I don't think I need to even bother checking. But the person is a little impatient and rings again half and minute and then another half a minute later. So, reluctantly, I climb out of bed and make my way over to the camera.
What the fuck? It's Maggie! Why is she ringing the bell? She has a key.
I slowly make my way down the stairs, while she rings yet another time. I look like shit, but she's obviously impatient so I don't bother freshening up.

"Caterina," she seems surprised to see me when I finally open the door. That might also be because of the way I'm presenting myself. I probably look like I just rolled out of a pigsty. I'm still in pajamas, my hair is a mess, my eyes are probably as red as a tomato and my nose has been blown too much for its own good. "Hey," she says softly, clearly uncomfortable.