Pure

5

-Caterina

It's quite literally unbearably painful, yet so liberating at the same time. I do think it's leaning more towards painful, though. But I can't let myself focus on that. I have to grab on to the liberating part and enjoy that so much that I'll forget it ever even felt any other way.
It's very hard, though. My parents would be so extremely disappointed. My sisters wouldn't know what to do with me. My brothers wouldn't even wanna look at me. My grandparents, my aunts and uncles, most of my cousins, they'd all be ashamed of me. I don't know how I let it get to this, but knowing it will never be able to go back to normal again makes me not even wanna try.
I could see some type of disappointment in Demi too when I left the house. And weirdly enough that too made me feel bad. I don't really care too much about what she thinks of me. I didn't really think it would bother me if she doesn't like me or what I do. So it's just very surprising to me that as I sit here, doing something I know she doesn't approve of, I actually seem to care about her opinion.

I don't really want to push her too much, but in a way I kinda have to. I have to show that I don't have much regard for being a good girl. It's not like I wanna make it hard for her, but it's just that I have to prepare myself for what's to come once I'm back out in the world. I'm not always gonna be by Demi, she's not keeping me. I don't know how long I'll stay there. So I just have to be ready for when the time comes that I won't be sleeping under her roof anymore. 

I also know it'll be harder for me once I start school. I love school, I always have. I like to learn, I pay attention to the teachers and I have always done well. How am I supposed to keep up this attitude and also be serious about and do well in school? These two don't really go together so well. But I don't wanna mess up my whole education, when I've been doing so good until now.
That's why I don't wanna give her an answer about which school I wanna go to. I knew which one I would choose just from looking at the website and going to visit only confirmed my assumption that that would be the best one. But the sooner I choose, the sooner I begin. And I first need to figure out a tactic on how to do well and also be an ass at the same time.

"You could at least pretend to enjoy. You're such a mood kill," Dexter pulls me out of my thoughts. "Do you want me to stop?" He asks, while he continues thrusting in an out of me.
He's right. I don't enjoy it. Not even a little bit. I did give consent, though. He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing.

"No, keep going," I try to make myself more excited for it, but I can't. I really don't see what people find so fascinating about sex. The only reason I'm having it is because I feel like it's part of the personality I'm trying to adapt to- so in a way I have to do it. But in all honesty, I'm sixteen. I have no desire, nor do I feel the need to have sex. And yet, every time I see Dexter, we end up naked together. And it's been quite a couple of times now. We're not a couple, we're just friends. With benefits for him, cause he's loving it. I don't get much out of it though, but I do like him enough to keep going at it and letting him have some fun whenever we can.

I try to concentrate on him and not let him do all the work himself, as I see him getting close. "Thank you," he chuckles when he's done. "Wanna go grab a drink?" He offers. "It's still too early to go back home right? Let's go have a little more fun."

As per usual, I'm not too interested. But I nod, as we both get dressed. I know Demi doesn't let me come back drunk and I also know that she is for sure waiting up for me. But I still have enough time to get a drink and still be a teeny bit sober if I wanna come back at a time that's not too late to be keeping her up.
The more I do these things, the more I realize how much of a goody two shoes I've been my whole life. I've never been much of a rule breaker and it's weird for me to do something I know she really doesn't want me to do. But in some sense it's also a little exciting to do things I'm not allowed to do every once in a while. I've been doing a lot of things I've never been allowed to do, actually, over the last few weeks. But certain things I've already gotten used to and now I'm just waiting to get used to the others too.