Pure

19

-Caterina

Crazy is not even the right word, at the moment. What was I thinking? Was I even thinking? I don't think I was. I would never have done that if I was. But it seems I do that a lot recently. Do something without thinking about it first. I don't seem to be thinking much these days.
I can't really say I regret it, though. It feels strangely relieving now that Demi knows everything. But I gave her like an entire run down of my life. I didn't have to go so overboard, she didn't have to know every single thing. She also really didn't have to see me cry. That was just way over the top and completely unnecessary. And I'm a little uncomfortable now, you know. I'm not sure what, but knowing that she knows everything- it's intimidating. It's like I'm transparent now, in a way. I'm vulnerable. I don't like it. It doesn't sit well with me.
She's a great comforter though, if that's even a word. She just knows what to say at what time. And when she doesn't know what to say, she still knows what to do, how to hold on to the other person, what gestures are appropriate when, etc. I will admit that I was pretty impressed with the way she handled my breakdown last night. I'm not sure what she's gonna do with the information now, though. And for some reason that really scares me shitless. Cause I know she's not just gonna sit back and do nothing, that's not who she is. But what can she already do? I purposefully didn't give her my parents name, I don't want her to go looking for them. If I wanna talk to them I can do that myself. I did tell her my sister's name, but she has no way of knowing her last name. She hasn't used our last name since she got married which is like seven years ago, she took her husband's name. So trying to find her won't really be that easy either.
That's why I'm a little worried. Cause that's what I would probably do in her situation. But since she can't do that, what will she do?

It's also hard being a bitch now. I mean, in a way her knowing everything doesn't change anything, it shouldn't. But in another way, it very much does. And it leaves me conflicted, as usual, on how to proceed now. Do I act like I have been doing until now? Or do I decide to be nice? But why does her knowing my story mean I should be nice? My situation is still the same as it was before she knew. I still need to fight for myself. Maybe even harder now.

"You ready?" Demi comes down the stairs.

"Yep," I nod. "Kitchen's clean," it's almost as if we're reading a script. It's practically the exact same every morning.

"Okay then," she clicks her tongue and grabs her car keys. "Let's go," she starts walking towards the door. "Going to Mary again after school to work on the project?" She asks, when she's locking it behind us.

"I think so," I get into the car a few seconds before her.

"So you'll text me when and where to pick you up, yeah?" She now gets in and buckles herself. "When is this project due?"

"Beginning of next week," I answer as we start pulling out of the driveway.

"Has that guy seemed helpful yet?" She's talking about the third partner in our project who has failed to show up more then half of the time and stared at his phone every time that he has. But Mary has actually been great and we're doing really well even without him. Probably because he hasn't been doing shit, actually.

"Nope," I chuckle.

"Does it bother you?" She asks.

"Are we seriously gonna get all emotional and talk about our feelings now?" I ask with a slight eye roll.

"I guess not," Demi sighs.

I let out a little sigh too, seeing that I might've maybe hurt her a little. But I just can't be bothered right now. So I turn on the radio to fill up the silence that's now floating in the car. "Thank you so much for the ride," I smile as I get out of the car. "I'll see you later."