How to Feel

How to Live-Chapter 2✔️

I always wondered what dying is like. Would it hurt? Would it be painless? Will I have lived my life to the fullest? Unlike most, I'm not afraid to die. What is there to be afraid of? Would I even know that I was alive at some point or would my mind just go blank?

I would be just a skeleton, six feet underground, closer to Hell—that's where I belong.

God wouldn't take me, not now, not ever.

I was way beyond sins that he could forgive.

The gates to Heaven have closed on me and frankly, I didn't care.

When I use to go to church people always said, "The lord will forgive you for your sins!" And, "Just pray for forgiveness!" Then they would touch my head and pray for me, but if the lord will forgive me for all my sins, why is going to Hell even a choice?

Heaven is for the pure hearted and as far as I'm concerned, my heart will never be pure.

So what did I do? I stopped going to church. Simple.

As gospel music played through my car radio this Sunday morning, I turned it off. I don't want to hear that.

He never went to church, which is ironic because his father is a pastor. He told me he stopped going when he was seventeen, which is a year before we met.

I pull up to Derrick's house, my dark jeans cling to my skin along with my ripped crop top—I don't even have a bra on. Tragic.

I could see Derrick's car that Lacey drives in, might as well call it hers, along with a few other people from our crew. There was one car I didn't recognize but I didn't pay any mind, this neighborhood is a busy one.

Cars are always driving down the road, the only time they stop is when they recognize other people in cars and decide to have a conversation in the middle of the road. Which is very annoying and aggravating when you are right behind them.

Derrick walked out the house and nodded at me, his muscular chest clad in a white muscle shirt, revealing a tiny bit of the ink that spread across his chest, "When you gone get rid of that piece of shit and let me buy you a Range?" He mumbled, cockily, before pulling me in a rough hug and rubbing my lower back. "Damn, when you gone let me get a piece?" He groaned, throwing his head back. I push him off me as he pulled my hips towards his.

"When you buy me a range." I said, sarcastically, while trying to walk pass him, but I couldn't because he pulled my body back into its original position. I glare at him in annoyance, rolling my eyes. He's such an asshole. I honestly don't see what Lacey sees in him. He's disrespectful.

He perked up, "Done." He grabbed my hips, in a tighter grip than before, and I could feel something poking my lower body.

Wow, it's big—

Derrick is always like this, that's why he has three baby mamas.

I had to get use to his behavior at first, he has no respect for females or personal space. He definitely doesn't have any respect for Lacey, he calls her out her name and bosses her around. She just allows it though, she doesn't have any respect for herself.

"Derrick, get off me." I shove his chest once again, "I'll never fuck you." Scowling, I pushed passed him and towards the light blue house.

"Okay, bitch." I heard him grumble causing me to stick my middle finger up.

I walk into the house.

I didn't speak to anyone, seeing as everyone's head was buried in their phones. I just sat on the couch to see what the move was today. This was our everyday thing and if someone went missing, we would know.