oneshots // bsd

dazai

notes: suicide mentions, possibly ooc dazai,

"and now i had become a madman. even if released, i would be forever branded on the forehead with the word 'madman', or perhaps, 'reject'. disqualified as a human being. i had now ceased utterly to be a human being."

"what was that?" you asked, referring to his absentminded mumble, tapping the pen against your clipboard. dazai looked down at your indistinct scribbles before giving you an assuring smile.

"just a quote from a book i read once."

"any particular reason why you just remembered it?" your false air of professionalism annoyed dazai to no end. he had been an inpatient for two weeks now and none of his doctors were able to find out the reason behind his suicidal tendencies. he could see you were getting frustrated. "do you perhaps feel like you'll become lesser if you're found to be unwell?"

"you needn't be so careful with your words, doctor [name]," he assured with a smile.

"please answer the question."

"not quite," he shifted in the bed, "to feel lesser implies that i felt like i was on par with the rest of humanity to begin with." his sentence was punctuated with a small chuckle. you leaned back, taking a note.

"let's talk about that. why do you think you're less than human?"

"oh, doctor, the things i've done! only a monster would have the capabilities to be so horrific!" he was being melodramatic, flailing his arms in an attempt to get some reaction out of you, but there was nothing.

"mr. dazai, if you're not serious, i won't be able to help you."

"i'm not here out of my own volition, i don't want help." his words were more venomous than intended. it was true though, he was wasting everyone's time because the agency got sick of his suicide attempts.

"could it be, perhaps, you don't think you should? seeing as you seem to believe you're not even worthy to be called human."

"doctor, please don't presume to know me after talking to me for—" he looked up at the clock— "fifteen minutes." ah, dazai finally understood why he didn't like you. it was your unblinking gaze. you seemed to see everything past his facade, right down to his rotten core, leaving him feeling bare and vulnerable.

"i'm not presuming to know you, i'm simply creating a hypothesis from what you've told me." dazai looked back at you, leaning forward. "i take it i'm wrong?"

"here's another quote from the same book: 'i suppose it would be no exaggeration to say the world is composed entirely of unhappy people. but those people can fight their unhappiness fairly and squarely, and society for its part easily understands and sympathises with such struggles. my unhappiness stemmed entirely from my own vices, and i had no way of fighting anybody.' that somewhat resonated with me when i first read it."

you tapped your pen against you clipboard again. "do you agree with it?" he nodded silently. "i see." you made a note of it. somehow, you understood him now. dazai didn't feel as though he was a part of society because he felt the singular cause for his unhappiness was himself. if he was the problem, there wasn't anything anyone could to to help him. "don't you think your upbringing or your environment could have been a source of your unhappiness?"

dazai thought about it for a bit. "it's true since i've left the mafia i've gotten happier, but i'm still so unbearably sad."

"well, what sort of things make you happy?"

"suicide, drinking copious amounts of alcohol—"

"what about suicide makes you happy?"

dazai blinked at your question, surprised you didn't chastise him for his self destructive hobbies. "well, it's an escape, isn't it?"

"if you're looking for an escape, why not read? maybe watch movies?"

"well they're only temporary. i'll just end up being unhappy again."

you set down your pen. "do you want to be happy or do you want to stop being sad?" dazai stopped. it was a distinction he had never really thought about. "suicide would reduce the chances of you being sad to zero, but it would also reduce the chances of you being happy too, so which is it you value more?" dazai thought about it for a moment but before he could answer, the alarm went off. "well, that's time. i'll see you tomorrow, mr. dazai." and with that, you stood up and left.

→♢←
"now i have neither happiness nor unhappiness.

everything passes.

that is the one and only thing i have thought resembled a truth in the society of human beings where i have dwelled up to now as in a burning hell.

everything passes."
— dazai osamu