Requiem [Sirius the Jaeger]

Chapter 9 - Pain

"Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change."
~Gretchen Rubin

The police and the rest of the Jaeger were quick to arrive at the house of the Hanada family, which was now a crime scene. I don't know what happened exactly, I was simply in shock about what had happened. I simply let them push me around and steer me in certain directions, not listening to what they told me.

Somehow, I landed in the backseat of the Jaeger's car, together with Yuliy and Philip. They sat at each side of me, while I occupied the seat in the middle. I didn't look up, gaze solemnly casted towards the floor. I didn't know what was happening around me and I didn't want to know. Right now, I was simply drowning in my thoughts, allowing them to wrack havoc in my brain while I tried to understand everything that had happened in the last few hours.

"The rest is for the police to handle. Let them investigate all they want." I could hear Professor Willard's voice talking from the passenger's seat, but I didn't really comprehend what he said. "If something comes up, Fallon will call you immediately." Although I could clearly hear the words spoken, it seemed as if my mind didn't even want to understand them. They simply went right through me.

"I'm sorry we're late. We had to deal with a strange guy." It was Dorothea's voice coming from the driver's seat. I listened to neither of them; my mind was elsewhere. "Jeez. I hope you know we almost died there." "That's why I'm apologizing."

What am I supposed to do now? How would I be able to live on with what happened? How can I walk on as if nothing happened after I destroyed someone's life? I'm not better than them. Not one bit.

I guess I never was.

~~~
Things weren't any better even the next day. Thinking about what had happened the night before still send shivers down my spine, not letting my mind rest. On top of that, the lump of guilt on my stomach wasn't leaving any time soon, only growing bit by bit until it would completely swallow me up.

I still wasn't really talking to anyone. When I was talked to, I responded with the shortest answers possible before becoming silent again. It wasn't as if I didn't want to talk to the others. It was just that I couldn't. I felt so exhausted and tired, ready to simply sleep the whole day. Although I knew sleep wasn't coming anyway as of lately, I still wanted to. It felt like I was even too tired of even thinking.

Of course Yuliy noticed my apathetic state immediately. How could I even think he wouldn't? He has been trying to get me out of my room ever since we came back, not giving up regardless of how many times I told him to go away. His stubbornness was truly unbelievable.

And so, after hours of persuading, I finally agreed and dragged myself out of my room. Reluctantly, I took some new drafts with me in order to keep myself busy. I was still avoiding any kind of serious conversation, not feeling capable of doing so at the moment.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Yuliy watching me with interest in his eyes while I let my pen fly over the piece of paper, changing everything that wasn't as it was supposed to be. I always found amusement in the clueless expression he had every time he looked at one of my drafts. It was as if I was doing something from another world.

"I still wonder how you can built things like these." He gestured to the countless papers scattered around me. As I said, the ravenette has always been interested in my work. Every time I finish a weapon, he has this certain look on his face. A look of disbelief, as if he thinks all of it is simply a dream.

I still remember how he looked at his beloved staff when I finally gave it to him. It took me four months to plan and built it and I still made countless adjustments afterwards. The same with my faithful spear. It took my five months to finish, but I'm proud of both of them. All the hard work was definitely worth it. The moment I finally hold the finished weapon in my hands, when I look at the thing I have only seen on a piece of paper for months, it's always the best.