Requiem [Sirius the Jaeger]

Chapter 13 - Questions

"I realize that I live on the bubble of insanity. I feel the weight of human suffering, loneliness and despair on me all the time. It's not getting easier, if anything, it's always right on the edge of my skin."
~Erwin McManus

Shock, confusion, disbelief. Those were the emotions Mikhail had left us with. I hoped that perhaps he could provide us with at least some answers. Instead, he only gave us more questions wracking havoc inside my brain.

We thought we were getting closer to the Vampires, getting closer to understanding their ultimate goal. Yet we are merely at the beginning, standing at the starting line of this race, while the Vampires were getting closer and closer to the finish line, whatever that may be.

I knew I wasn't as good at figuring things out as Dorothea or the Professor. Yet I thought I knew something. But I know nothing. I never knew anything. I think I realized now how clueless we truly are in this world. No matter how much we think we understood, no matter how much knowledge we think we have, there is always something bigger. One more puppet string in this chaos of a puppet show with fate as its puppeteer.

I don't think I have ever felt as clueless in my entire life as I feel now.

"What now?" I asked softly, my voice only a whisper as the storm of emotions and question was raging inside of me. My eyes were glued to the wooden floor, not daring to look up, even thought I should be searching around more. I don't think I could take any more input at the moment. Yuliy seemed to be in a similar state, still trying to process what the hell just happened. Honestly, I can't tell if he is even listening or just lost in his own maelstrom of thoughts.

"I-I don't know." A silent whisper answered me. Even though I knew it was the ravenette talking, his voice sounded so distant, so alien. It sounded so soft and calm, yet so broken at the same time. The very pillars that were holding our sanity seemed to crumble, threatening to throw us into the deep darkness of our mind that awaited us should we fall to deep.

That darkness however was nothing like the calming blackness of a starless night, oh no. It was the darkness were our demons hid inside the abyss, feeding themselves from our very thoughts, from our very pain, from our very wounds. Demons that carved their names onto our souls oh so long ago.

"I always felt so certain in my wish for revenge. Up until now, I believed it to be the only way to give our tribe the justice they deserved. I thought it would be the only thing that kept me going. It gave me reason to live on. But now... I don't even know what I want anymore. Vengeance means justice for the Sirius, yet it also means I'll have to kill my own brother." The despair in his voice should have surprised me, considering how strong the male usually was. Yet I understood the place he was in, having to think about killing the last relative that was left for him.

He was so relieved – maybe even happy – knowing that Mikhail was alive and somewhat well. And yet, the very moment we get to talk to him, he tells us not only to kill him, but also to turn our backs towards revenge, the only thing that fueled our hearts for ten long years. There was nothing else to fight for, nothing else to live for. What were we supposed to do if not seek revenge?

Not knowing what to say in order to calm my friend down, I simply let my body lean to the side, resting my head on Yuliy's shoulder. Carefully I took the hand he was now clenching into a fist and pried it open, taking his hand into both of mine, I squeezed it lightly.

"I don't know what is going on right now and I don't know what we're supposed to do now. However, no matter what is going to happen, I promise I'll stay here, by your side. I won't leave you alone in this. I won't leave you again. This much I can guarantee you." I quietly whispered the words that came to my mind, not really thinking as they left my mouth. I don't care what they sounded like, it was the truth. Right now, Yuliy was suffering way more than I do. I know how hard it is to be left alone in your suffering, what it can do to a person. Even if I can't do anything else right now, I can stay by his side, like he always did for me.