𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬, shawn mendes

seven

cassandra mendes
07/05/28
9:43am
calabasas, usa

The mornings are the hardest, especially when I don't have my children to warm up the house. It's just me, alone. I find myself shuffling around in bed, trying to achieve a comfier position. But there's no comfort, not when I haven't got Shawn's arms around me to make me feel safe on days like today.

But I have no other choice but to get dressed and get on with life, motivated by the knowledge that Shawn would be dropping the kids off in less than an hour. Just as I settle in front of the tv with my morning coffee and breakfast there's a knock at the door and I jump up, hopeful to see them stood there.

And when I open the door, there they are. Except Shawn's not the one to drop them off. Luna is instead, one hand holding Ezra's and the other holding up Avery and she carries her on her waist.

"Uh, hi, Cass." She begins, setting Avery down on the floor and making eye contact, "Shawn got called in for a meeting, so he asked me to drop Ez and Aves off." She explains, her use of their nicknames making me nauseous.

"Oh, great." I produce a tightlipped smile, ruffling my children's hair as they run past me and into the living room. They crash into the sofa and begin play-fighting, leaving Luna and I stood awkwardly at the door. "Well, thanks for dropping them off, Luna."

"No problem." She replies, shuffling her weight as she stands in the doorway.

I pivot my head from watching my children to looking at Luna, and against my better
judgement ask her the question, "Do you want a coffee?"

"I mean, if it's no trouble?" She replies, stepping inside my home. And something about her being here, in the home Shawn and I bought on my 18th birthday and spent nearly 10 years filling with memories, makes my whole body freeze up.

But still, for the sake of being polite, I tell her it's no trouble at all and we make our way to the living room, ushering the kids away. I switch on the coffee machine, my brain whirring with ideas to start the conversation.

"Did they behave for you?" I ask, figuring that if we have any comfortable common ground, it's the kids. "The kids, I mean."

"Course they did." She grins, looking up from her hands as they lie in her lap, "They're good kids. No trouble, really."

"They are. We got lucky with the three of them." I muse, feeling a pang as I say the number three. Because even though one of my children isn't here anymore, I still have three children. I'll always have three, no matter what. My three babies.

"The three of them?" Luna raises her eyebrows, clearly not catching on. A look of recognition crosses her face and she closes her mouth, embarrassed. "Oh god. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, don't worry." I assure her, feeling guilty as she appears to shrink into herself, "You don't have to apologise."

"Iris, wasn't it?" I nod, "Gosh, I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through."

"Neither can I." I hum, jumping up once I see the coffee is ready, "I take it Shawn told you about her?"

"No, actually." She replies, "He's mentioned her, but he changes the subject afterwards. I can tell it's painful for him; he probably doesn't like to talk about her."