𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬, shawn mendes

twelve

cassandra mendes
15/05/28
11:43pm
calabasas, usa

"Shawn?" I croak, my throat completely dry with fear.

"Finally, Cass." He replies, "Where the hell have you been?"

"I was, uh, that's not important." I mumble, slightly reassured by the tone of his voice. Whatever was wrong didn't sound too serious, but then again it was Shawn. It was hard to tell with him. "What's wrong?"

"It's Avery. She woke up screaming and crying about a half hour ago and there's nothing I can do to calm her down. She needs you."

"So she had a nightmare?" I exhale finally, content in knowing that both of my babies are okay. "Do you know what it was about?"

"She won't say. She's still crying and only just stopped screaming. I think she needs you. Well, I know she needs you."

"I'll be over as soon as possible. I'm sorry I took so long to call back, I really am."

"It's fine, you're coming now. Where were you, anyway?" He asks.

"I was out."

"Doing?"

"I was on a date, okay?" I admit, unreasonably embarrassed in doing so, "That's why I didn't answer."

"You were with Harrison, I assume." He says, monotone and emotionless.

"Yes." I reply simply.

"So you didn't answer my calls about our clearly traumatised daughter because you were on a date with the man that made our lives a misery?"

"Look, Shawn. I feel guilty enough already. I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know that this would happen?" I sigh, "I'm on my way now, we'll talk about this when I get to your place. And everything else."

"What do you mean everything else?"

"You know what I mean. Bye, Shawn." I say, hearing the line click before I've even finished saying his name.

I drive quickly up to his house and practically run to the door, knocking gently in case Ezra was asleep. Shawn comes to the door quickly, looking exhausted. "Hey."

"Hey." I repeat, a little breathless myself after the panicked journey.

"How is she?" I ask, bursting through his door and hanging my bag up. All I want is to see my baby in this moment, to hug her and hold her.

Since I got my first American Girl doll for my 4th birthday, I'd dreamt of being a mother. Of feeding and caring for a child of my own. Drying their tears and cuddling them, tucking them into bed and kissing them goodnight. Alongside becoming an actress, having a child was my greatest desire. And at the age of 21, my dream came true. It was definitely early, but not too soon. The first time I held my first-born child, my baby boy, I knew that the timing was just right. He was perfect. The people who told me that you'll never know love until you have a child were right.

Shawn and I spent days just watching our new baby. And we'd look up and smile and share the same thought - we made him. He was ours. Ezra Raul Mendes.

18 months later, my second baby was born. My beautiful baby girl. Iris Grace Mendes. I loved them both instantly, from the moment they wrapped their tiny fingers around mine and squeezed gently. Avery did the same, the following October. Three wonderful children in the space of three years. We were so happy with our family of 5.

Until it became 4.

And then, two halves of a whole.

"She's still sobbing," Shawn replies what feels like hours later, interrupting my panicked thoughts, "I've tried everything."

As I walk further down the hall I begin to hear her cries - the most heartbreaking sound a mother can hear. They're the breathless kind, obvious that she's worn herself out over the time I took to get to her. A shroud of guilt overcomes me at the thought. I should've been there for my baby. She should always be my priority.

She's sat up in her bed, Dora The Explorer pyjamas stained with tears and her body shaking. I almost break down in tears at the site, but my motherly instinct takes over and I sweep her up in my arms, my hand stroking her back until she calms down just enough to explain what's got her into such a mess.

"Shhh, Avery," I whisper gently, rocking her side to side just as I did when she was a newborn, "Mommy's here, mommy's here now. Everything is okay."

She takes two uneasy, shaky breaths before pulling herself away from the nape of my neck, her hazel eyes staring into mine. "Y-you... you came back?"

"Back where, sweetie?" I ask, feeling even more guilty that I'd left her in the first place.

"You left, mommy. I thought you weren't gonna come back ever ever." She begins to cry again, "Like Iris did, mommy."

And just like that, my heart breaks clean in two.

I can't respond for a while, worried that the words will catch in my throat and I'll break down. Tears stream down my face as I hold her, the most important thing in my life.

"Avery, darling," I whisper, kissing her forehead gently as she looks up at me. She looks so vulnerable and broken. A five year old shouldn't look like that. But how could she not, when everyone around her is broken too?

"Yes, mommy?"

"I'm never gonna leave you, okay?" I reassure her, the words breaking me further, "Neither will daddy. We're always gonna be right here with you, even if you can't see us. I promise, okay?"

"Are you sure?" She replies weakly.

"I'm positive, angel." I smile even weaker, "You just had an awful bad dream."

"But it's not real." She states, nodding her head.

"Not real at all."

"Good." She whispers, beginning to yawn softly. She reaches for me one more time, allowing me to hold her. She pulls away eventually, looking up at me. "I love you, mommy."

"I love you too, Aves." I reply, "Are you ready to go back to bed?"

"I think so." She nods, "Will you stay with me?"

"Of course I will. I'm not going anywhere."

I tuck her in, kissing her forehead gently. Just as she begins to drift off into what I'm praying is a peaceful sleep, the door creaks open.

"Thank you." He mouths. I nod curtly, not expecting him to say any more. But he does. "Can we talk?"

a/n;
short and shitty chapter i wrote a long time ago but prepare for some juicy stuff as i try to get back into writing! it's been a long time i know and i doubt there's many people still reading

if u are still here let me know! i've missed u guys so much <3