𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬, shawn mendes

[august 2026]

cassandra mendes
14/08/26
6:15pm
calabasas, usa

The pain of losing my daughter will always be raw. But in the first six months after her passing, it was brutal.

"Mommy?" Avery began, looking away from the tv and into my eyes. Her big hazel eyes were not only reminiscent of her father's, but of Iris' too.

"Yes, honey?"

"Do you think they have cartoons up in heaven?" She asked me innocently, crawling onto my lap. "Because sometimes, when I'm watching tv, I get sad because Iris can't watch with me. Do you think she's watching in heaven?"

I held back the tears that threaten to leak out as I answered, holding her little three-year-old hand in mine. "I'm sure she is, Avery. And I'm sure she's missing you too and wishing she was watching them with you."

"Good." Avery nodded, and just like that she's back to watching tv, just slightly closer to me than before.

Shawn sat oblivious, feet up on the coffee table reading a magazine. I looked up to try meet his eyes and signal that I need a minute, but there was nothing. I'm not even sure he heard her.

"I'll be one second." I dismissed myself, walking calmly into the nearest bathroom until I'm away from my children. Once the door is closed, the gates are lifted and before I know it I was on the floor, vision blurry as I sobbed.

Such a simple little thing like that was enough to set me off and bring all the pain to the surface — not that it was buried deep anyway.

The hole that had been left in our lives three months ago could be filled by no amount of tears. But I cried and cried until I couldn't breathe, unable to answer when Shawn appeared at the door.

"Cassie?" He whispered, closing the door and dropping to his knees. "What's wrong, love?"

I sniffled and squinted, but my attempt to stop crying only led to more violent sobs. "She's gone, Shawn. She's actually gone and she's never coming back and they're never gonna watch cartoons together or play together and be together all because I-"

"Baby, how many times... it's not your fault." He interrupted in an attempt to soothe me. It didn't work, because I knew that deep down he blamed me too. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It's okay, honey. You're okay. You're fine."

"I'm clearly not fine, Shawn." I snapped between tears, my voice so nasally that the words are barely audible.

"You will be." He said, another attempt to soothe me. Again, it didn't work.

"No I won't be. How can I be? How can anyone be fine? How can you be fine?" I snapped again, voice getting louder with every question.

"I'm not fine." He sighed, "I'm broken, Cassie. I'm just trying to make you feel better because seeing you like this breaks me even more. And if I break anymore I don't know what I'll do. They'll be nothing left."

"There's already nothing left." I whispered, my words barely audible.

We sat in silence after that, legs stretched out on the bathroom floor as we rested against the bathtub. My head fell on his shoulder, and as he squeezed my hand there was a brief moment where I felt okay again. Until I wasn't anymore.