Anything For You

Part 30

Jenna's thoughts

"What?" I begin choking. Marriage? No this can't be happening. I love Michael but marriage is not something that I ever considered. Not with anyone.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." He steps back and starts to button his shirt and his jeans. He doesn't look up at me and when he steps forward I lean in thinking that he is going to kiss me but he pushes the emergency button. The elevator roars to life and we begin to move slowly upward.

"Michael, look at me." I beg. "Why did you ask that?"

"Can we drop this? It was stupid of me to say it." With his shoulders slumped and his eyes focused on the floor, he looked broken hearted. It was even in the tone of his voice. I felt my heart tug and I wrapped my arms around him, hoping to soothe the pain away. It was like watching a flame being blown away by the wind. I'm so bad at this relationship stuff.

We step out of the elevator and walk down the short passage to the apartment, Michael two steps behind me.

I open the door and step into the apartment watching Michael take in the view. The huge wall to the right has an exposed brick look and to the right was an open kitchen. He walks in without looking at me and I feel as if I should say something. I don't know what yet but I should really think of something.

"What do you think?" I ask him. He looks around and nods walking further down the small passage stopping in front of the bathroom. He opens the door and peeks inside and then closes it again. Stepping to the right, he opens the bedroom door and steps inside.

A few minutes go by and he still hasn't come back out so I walk to the bedroom to find Michael sitting on the edge of the bed, hands on his knees.

"You have clothes here. When did you get clothes to fill the cupboard?" he asks

"I shopped online and they delivered it. I left work a couple of times during lectures to pack it away."

"You even have food in your cupboards as well." I don't know what he is getting at but it doesn't look or sound good. I can't imagine why he would be angry with me, it's not like we're getting married or anything. Marriage.

"Why does this look as if you were going to leave without telling me!" His voice louder than normal and it is starting to irritate.

"Why does it matter that I have food or clothes in my cupboards? I couldn't stay at your house forever." My voice matching his volume.

"Why not?" he asks surprised and I feel a burn inside of me.

"Because it's not mine or ours, it's yours and Samantha's" I spit at him through my teeth and instantly regret it.

"I knew it bugged you. She hasn't lived there for over a year and you said it didn't bother you!" he yells back at me and this has escalated quicker than I thought it would.

"Well you know what, it does bug me. I do not feel like I belong there, or like I'm not part of something special. I still feel alone." I shout at him and I don't know where these words are coming from but it feels like acid on my tongue.

He steps back from me as if the wind was knocked out of him. He looks like the muscles in his face had frozen in place and his shoulders are slack. He lifts his hand to his forehead rubbing it, like you do when you have a headache.

"You don't see a future with me do you." He finally says and I can't answer him. I never thought about it. I have been alone for so many years and I like it. But on the other hand, I love Michael more than anything but getting married and then having children is not something that I have ever thought about.

"I want to be with you because I love you but I haven't thought so far ahead." I answer him honestly.

"So the thought of marrying me was never a thought then" What is happening right now? How did we get to this point?

"I have never wanted to be married Michael. I am not someone you marry and have children with. I don't even like children!" I know I shouldn't be yelling but I am frustrated with him.

"Never?" His tone curious and annoyed at the same time and it is getting to me.

"No never. I grew up in house where my father hated my mother but stayed with her because of children. I don't want that."

"So you're basing your relationship with me on a fucked up relationship between your parents?" he asks me. What he is saying sounds right but that is not what I meant. I think.

"No, that is not what I'm doing. I just.....I just don't want to be married. Why can't you understand that?" Before I know what I'm doing I am just centimeters from him. He looks up at me and our eyes meet but he shakes his head and steps back. He stays quiet, staring at me; his eyes glossy with tears.

"Why not? What is wrong with being married? If you love someone and you cannot see yourself without that person, then you get married. You make a life with that person and you become one." He yells at me again.

"You live in a fairytale Michael. That is not how marriage works. Marriage is about arguing, cheating, and living separately. I will not do that. I won't become that person who waits up for her husband to come home from someone else's arms." I yell back at him and I cannot control my anger any more.

"Is that what you think will happen?"

"I have seen that in many relationships. It always happens."

"So once again, you are basing our relationship, if you can even call this a relationship, on other people's experiences? How fucked is that?" he questions me, and for the first time I don't know what to say.

This argument went from nothing into a tornado. So here, we are now on opposite sides of the fence; suddenly we were so blind to the good we see in each other. We have built a barricade instead of building the bridge.

"No, you're the one living in a fucked up fairytale but you know what Jenna, I know when I'm not wanted. When you decide that you want to be in a relationship with me; then come find me." He says, before he abruptly turns and walks away. I stood there, my mind seizing up, staring after him as he walked away.

Later the evening Jenna thought about texting him but decided against it. Maybe she would go for a walk to clear her thoughts or maybe she could go to Candice for the weekend. Three bottles of red wine later she was asleep on the couch.

The next morning the sun was gleaming through the windows directly onto her. She tried to open her eyes, but the light was too bright and it felt as if the sun wanted to eat her. She sighed loudly and nearly threw up when she smelled her own breath. Her body felt drained of blood, her mouth was dry, and her arms and legs felt dead.

She swung her legs off the couch and pushed herself upright. She stood up and looked directly into the mirror in front of her. Her hair looked like she pushed her fingers into the electrical socket, and she had popcorn stuck on her face. She pulled the popcorn off and ate it.

Dragging herself to the bathroom she switched on the shower, fought with her clothes as she tried to undress and leaned against the wall in the shower, slowly letting the warm water run over her body. She was feeling a bit better. She could feel a lot better if Michael was with her.