Ultramarine | The Darkest Minds Fanfic

Chapter 18, Sheena

Don't do this.

　　If it had just been my monster's voice, I would've let him kiss me. Ah, I really want to kiss him, so much so that even its voice of warning wouldn't stop me.

　　But it was never going to be just that, was it? The moment his hand touched my face, I felt a pang of flame flared up inside me, and I—no, not me, it—just wanted to twist his head off. It wants to hurt him. It wanted me to hurt him.

　　It was like this yesterday, and this morning. It stopped me, again and again. I had spent such a long time before actually confronting this...feeling, only to be stopped by it. Dammit. Dammit. I've just ruined it.

　　I've ruined us.

　　He didn't say anything, not for our entire way back. Did listening to him sing Happy Together really happen only a few hours ago? The air in the car could've froze our breaths.

　　He must've thought I rejected him, and it pains me so much—I just told him that I thought he was afraid of rejection! How could I do this to him? Maybe I should just let him, maybe—

　　No. I can't risk it. Not before I figure out a way for it to be safe. Not before I know it won't hurt him.

　　It has got to go. I can't stand it anymore. I can tolerate everything that had happened to me, but I can't lose him. I have to be able to have him, and if that means I had to get rid of my monster, then all the more reasons to do it.

　　As we reached the Ranch, we saw that the team that went out for the supplies has come back.

　　"Could you go gather the kids?" There is an unnatural formality in his voice when he asked. "I'll go open the garage door from the outside..."

　　"Sure." I answered rigidly. I had to find a way to explain to him. The thought of hurting him just killed me...

　　But he'll never touch me again if he found out. That was what my monster said.

　　Well, we'll see about that.

　　With the help of all the kids in the Ranch, we managed to unload all the stuff—computers, telecoms, firearms, foods, gears, beddings and clothes—into the garage. The garage looked much neater and cleaner now that Liam's team had done organizing it, and we could fit all the new stuff in with ease.

　　Vida was...not herself. We each had our own way to cope, but Vida seemed to have given in to an utter emptiness, and it was really worrying. I haven't had the heart to tell her what we learnt from Cole's contact today, which was...nothing at all. Even Chubs endless questions couldn't shake her out of her numbness.

　　Eventually, Ruby approached her, and gave her a hug.

　　And she let her.

　　I wouldn't know what to do if Vida just crumble down onto the ground at that moment, but she didn't. She's Vida, after all.

　　"We are going to fucking get her back," She said, one word at a time, gritting with a force that nail every word to the wall. "I will burn Gray's house down over his head. If she's not all right, I'm going to rip out his heart and eat it."

　　"You really shouldn't eat raw meat." Chubs piped in before I could reach out a hand to put on Vida's back. The three of us all turned to look at him, more in disbelief than anything. "It can carry pathogens—" His words faltered off in the end. If it wasn't for the atmosphere at the moment, I would've laughed.

　　By the time most of the stuff were unloaded, Ruby called Liam and Chubs to her side, and Vida, Cole and I joined them, sensing it was a conversation that would include us.