Ultramarine | The Darkest Minds Fanfic

Chapter 26, Cole

I can't move.

　　It's like...even my muscles know there's no point anymore. This morning, I heard Ruby talked to me, placing a plate on the dresser, but I couldn't move. Liam came in after her, talked to me, too, but I still couldn't move.

　　I don't know if I'll ever want to. I don't know if I'll ever want anything.

　　They left me alone, for the most part. I could hear kids buzzing outside of the door, asking if I was okay, and heard Vida shushing them away. I don't even feel hungry anymore. Just bone tired. And nothing.

　　I woke, lay there, until the tiredness caught on, and I was snatched back into darkness. Then I woke, again. Repeat the whole thing. Sometimes I dreamt, and I woke with strained and wet eyes. But I would fall back to sleep again, soon enough. Light on, light off. The bottom of the top bunk was all I see for...days? Weeks? I can't tell. Light on, light off. I couldn't feel anything.

　　There were voices. I listened to them, but they didn't make any sense. I didn't know where she was. She must be cold... Where is she? Why is she not here?

　　Then I remembered. But I still couldn't feel a thing. Like her, now.

　　For some split seconds, I could stay on the same train of thought long enough, and I'll wonder if at that moment, she was afraid. When the soldiers put a gun to her head, did she feel as afraid as when she was in Leda Corp, and they cut her open when her eyes were still wide? Or was she already gone, and even if they didn't use that bullet to seal the deal, I still wouldn't get her back.

　　She wouldn't feel afraid anymore. She is gone. But I'm still here, and I would gladly sell the world just so I could feel afraid again, because that would mean I still have her.

　　I found myself replaying that scene over and over again. The sound of her voice, the way she smiled, and the smell of blood splashed out. I could almost taste the bitterness of that red like putting a coin in my mouth. And I tormented myself with it, again and again, but I still couldn't feel anything.

　　I'm no longer fire. I'm no longer red. The flame that had been eating me up from the inside for ten years was gone, and all I feel was this...emptiness. Nothing is there. Nothing is inside me. Not even my soul. Still, all I am is this body. I'm locked in, and there's no way to get out, nowhere to run, to hide...

　　Light on, light off. Liam came to talk to me again. I didn't hear what he said.

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Likely, it was meal time, because Ruby came in again, took the plate on the dresser away, and put a new one there.

　　"Cole, you have to eat something." I heard she said.

　　"I'm not hungry." I said, to my surprise. I didn't even know I had the strength to do that.

　　She sighed, and sat down beside my bed. "She wouldn't like you starving yourself like this."

　　"She couldn't like anything." I said, unemotionally. "She's dead."

　　Ruby didn't say anything in return, not for a long while. I moved my eyes to see her face, and found it twisted. She closed her eyes, frowning deep, like she was hurting by keeping something in, but she still kept it because she knew it would hurt me if she let it out.

　　This, somehow, managed to woke me up. I sat up, and started, "Gem..."

　　"You know, she's our friend, too." Ruby said, very softly.

　　I closed my eyes, and drew in a deep breath. "I'm-I'm sorry..." I found myself whispering, and it came out—all of it—in an avalanche of emotions, tumbling and crashing, burying me six feet under.