Ultramarine | The Darkest Minds Fanfic

Chapter 30, Sheena

It wasn't that awful, to be honest.

　　Living almost alone in this blank room, with nothing but a bed, some books, and a radio, I thought it would be terrible. Especially without him. But it was...bearable.

　　Things changed majorly since the downfall of Clancy Gray. The army Chubs told me about arrived at East River two hours after they left, to find me and an unconscious Clancy Gray alone in the middle of the field. I ordered all the kids to leave, and knowing what I...or what my monster could do, most of them obeyed. I surrendered to those soldiers, and not knowing what to do with me, they handed me over to Senator—no, President Cruz.

　　She was very sympathetic, but she had to show that she was at least trying to uphold some kind of justice to the public, even if it was a brute one. I was given a special sentence—to the general mass, the leaders of this Psi Uprising—Clancy Gray and I—were given a life sentence, for the murder of former president Gray; however, I was kept under my own will, in a facility I specifically asked for, so my monster couldn't escape. I had to provide my "special service"—I provide the cure to the kids who really need or want it, which I gladly obeyed, since I am the only one alive that could do so, and some of them really do need it. I have no idea what they had done to Clancy Gray, and I don't really care.

　　I spent so much time with my monster now, it didn't feel like a monster anymore. It was just a person who happened to share this body with me. We talked, not a lot, but we talked. It would voice its opinion once in a while, about the book that I was reading, about the kids we'd seen that day—President Cruz started bringing them in after the first week I got here. I'd talk to them, mostly just trying to understand why they want to be cured, and my monster would tell me its thoughts on the matter, and I'd listen to them, too.

　　It never told me why it took over my body after Sawtooth, and why it killed Dr. Gray, but I knew why—it said it before, it wanted to breathe, and I really can't blame it for seizing the opportunity.

　　It had been two months since I got here, and during this period of time, I had cured 23 kids. There were times where my monster argued against curing the kid who was brought in, and I'd respect its decision. Sometimes it was just very obvious that the kid was half-threatened by their parents to do this, and when that happened, I'd have to tell President Cruz that I can't cure them, and my reasons, and she mostly respect them, too.

　　Other than that, it was just the two of us, alone. Living with it inside me for such a long time, it was really odd that I didn't really know it until now—what it likes and doesn't like, what its temper was...etc. It likes croissant, surprisingly, and hates carrots. It can't stand Jazz music. It really, really like Harrison Ford. One time, I re-watched Blade Runner 2049, and seeing Deckard as an old man, it straight up stopped talking to me for two full days. It wasn't until one night, I dreamt of myself crying, and realized that it had been sad, and that was the reason why it wasn't talking.

　　It could be a little difficult sometimes, but overall, the life here wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. It was just that, I didn't have him.

　　But this is my choice. I never asked my monster why it let Clancy hurt him, and I didn't really have to. I knew by sacrificing myself for Cole, I effectively betrayed my pack with it—I didn't give it a choice to live. Now that I knew what it'd do, I'll have to make sure the same thing wouldn't happen again.

　　Knowing that he'd be out there, safe and alive, is good enough for me. Even if it still hurts. Even if to this day, I still dream of his face every night I go to sleep. Even if the thought of him meeting someone else and spending the rest of his life with that someone else, not remembering who I am, still made me want to carve my heart out.