Love You Eternally

Chapter 2: Behind that Picture

It's been a week since then, my friend hadn't called. It's October 23, 2009, past half of the month, near to Christmas and to my Birthday. I don't wanna go overseas when reached this days. I choose to stay home instead.

Nobody except my family knows I applied a job in Europe. I have a friend there whom I meet through facebook. She's a girl in her 40s whom we are a fan of a singer. She works as a Head Nurse and as she said to me, their employer needs an Accountant. Am glad that they will accept despite the accounting standards are not the same with them. I just have to get first a school visa, studying while working.

This week has been a hectic schedule for me. Travel for work across the country. One thing that scares me is when travelling to an area where the roads are dark at night, when only few lights are visible and few pleasing food to eat. This makes me wanna go out of here. I am here in this country but seems like I am far away tantamount to when I am in overseas. But what tends me to have heartaches is when being emotionally stressed. But am still glad that I have a work.

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"Renee, look. Do you know about that band? I love their songs but sad to say one of them is already dead. Am so sad. I saw his tweet ten days ago and he said he need to finish his book. what an amazing guy."

It was Jessica, my work buddy. We've travelled to around twenty places as of today and still counting. But now, here we are in the fastfood chain while riding a bus going to nearby place. The bus stopped for lunch.

I looked at the television as she asked. There is his face flashed on tv. I stare at him, really stare at him, seemingly he stare at me too. I stare at him as I try to recall something about that man, where I first saw him, even when I first hear his songs and his voice, when I started to know about him. Seems like I know him but I cannot point out some time when I encountered about him. The feeling is crazy, seems like I am desperate to know more about him, inorder to ease that kind of burden feeling I have with him. Then suddenly I feel excruciating pain in my head.

"Renee! What happened? You looked at that tv for 10 minutes already. Is there something wrong? Are you fine?"

Jessica, worried, shake my shoulder.

"Am.... am still fine. i just have a headache."

I still say fine to make her feel at ease and be worried about me. Thank God she did not notice I am thinking about that man, especially that she is an avid fan of him and the band he belong.

"Do you know what, their songs are most requested on the radio recently. Should you wish to hear it, you can play it on the radio at night." Jessica added.

Even before, it was my habit to listen to the radio at night - random songs, but I jot down I have encountered my favorite and search for the title of the song and the singer on the web. Presently, due to time changes as well as the mood of a person especially to me, my fond of music stopped. I am not pretty sure if I heard their songs in the past.

Jessica really tempted me to search more about him.

-----

Our trip for this month has finally ended. Time for hiatus, time to do some stuff and do some relaxation. Time to be alone and to play with my mind, to think plans for the future.

It is still a gloomy weather, as gloomy as my feelings. Seems like something lacking in me but I cannot explain. I am in my bedroom, looking through the window outside, looking at the trees and the birds. Better for these living things, they have their own serenity, free from problems and negativities of life.

Love, oh, do I still know what love is? It was 3 years already since me and my boyfriend broke up. After that tragic breakup, I rather wish I will not love again. I am so fond of handsome men, but none of them likes me.

My friends said I am pretty and cute, but am not that comfortable enough - 5 ft tall, long black hair, with fair and not-so-white skin, small eyes, not-a-long nose but it matches with my cute face, equals baby face (blushed). They see the innocense in me but I feel down everytime I hear it.

I recalled what Jessica told me that I have to listen to the radio. Oopps! I remember that man again. It's daytime yet, I will listen to it tonight instead.

I turn-on the tv:

"Music top 10 today, here is the most requested song number 1 from BTS5.

(Flashed on tv the music video) caption: Let the Reason

"Who's that guy with soft-girly voice?" I asked myself.
"Amazing voice, the song is so amazing. I heard this already before.
"They are the one who sing it. I love to hear this song before. Just don't know that they are the one who sing it.
"Is this the guy who is already dead few days ago?
"Oh no he's do really pretty handsome. He's young yet here.

Those are my thoughts. I turn-on the laptop.

Yahoo search (typing) BTS5 (then click search).

(screen) BTS5 Members (then click)

"He's really Seve. Let me check some more videos."

(screen) All That Matters (then click).

(screen) BTS5 concert 1998

(Music video)

"This guy is really so attractive that I want to look at him all the time. Why his eyes are so adorable, really adorable. And his smiles are so charming that makes me fall in love with him. No doubt that he is indeed famous among them all.

"But why do I feel this way? He seems real to me. Do I know him before? When exactly? I cannot remember any. Why this guy so close to my heart? Does he love me before?

My heart compresses too hard, I could not almost breathe.

I reached to my water.

(Drinking)

Tears are fallen from my eyes. Deep within my heart, there is a deep sorrow, a melancholy, that I have to offer something. There is something excruciating pain in my body.

(Sigh)

"No! I do not want to think of this guy again. I want to erase him in me." While trying to resist thinking about him.
-----

Days have passed, my feelings still jives with the rainfall. I cannot cope up. He is still in my mind. Everyday I remember his face, his voice, his confident gestures that glued in my mind. My heart is beating everytime I recall him. Feels so helpless that I cannot answer the way I feel.

Until I decide to embrace it rather than to hate it.

*****