Spotlight on Nobody

- 14 -

 ~ song: Only Love by Ben Howard ~

The city rises up around us, making me feel infinitely small as we race through the empty streets at one in the morning, windows down and wind lifting my hair around my face. Logan had let Leo drive the car himself, something I was afraid to agree to, because really, how much driving practice did Leo get? Of course, Logan was trailing about a block behind us in another inconspicuous black suburban. But we both pretend that we are alone, two completely normal young people exploring a new city aimlessly. I lean my head out of the car window, letting my hair trail behind on a stream of air and can't help but smile widely. Something about being in this car with Leo makes it feel like my heart is tied to hundreds of helium balloons – if I let it go, it would float into the dark night sky.

Somewhat haphazardly, Leo pulls the car over and hops out. He opens my door with a flourish, hand extended, and I take it, giggling. Hand in hand, we dash to our last monument of the night: the famous Chicago bean. I'm surprised by how enormous it is. It seems to reflect the entire city back at me, the night sky a black sheet that fits snugly on its top. I squint up from underneath it in the dim lighting, grinning at the distorted reflection of Leo and I above us.

"I'm not sure how we can get a good picture here – it's a little dark to see the reflection," I whisper. Something about the hollowed-out ceiling above me makes this feel more like a cathedral than a piece of art. Standing this close to Leo, under a cool dome of reflection, in an unknown city; it all feels like a pilgrimage, like this is some holy moment in my life I am going to carry with me forever. The enormity of my situation dawns on me and it must be reflected on my face, because Leo looks concerned.

"What's wrong?" He inquires for the second time this evening.

"This is insane," I manage to say breathlessly. "Me, here in Chicago with you, with you," poking his chest for emphasis. He catches my hand and presses it against his chest. An infinite feeling, like a swirling mass of stardust and liquid gold, swells in my chest as I feel his heart thrum beneath my fingers, and I instinctively press in, clenching the fabric of his shirt.

"I keep trying to remember every detail of today. I feel like this may be the craziest thing I ever do in my life," I whisper sadly. I don't want the peak of my days to be when I am only 20 years old. I want to keep doing things like this, keep being spontaneous and maybe a little reckless, both with my experiences and with my heart. A small part of me thinks that if I could be with Leo, really be with him, every day would be this crazy. Not because he travels across the world, touring and experiencing every culture and everything. No, not that. If the feeling I have in this moment is any indication, every day with him would feel like sky diving and skinny dipping and eating chocolate and floating on a calm ocean and reading a good book and standing in front of a roaring crowd, all at once. That's what it feels like to stand here right now, my hand pressed into his chest, my heart trying to sync with the beat of his. But instead of saying that, I manage to whisper out:

"I don't want this to be the craziest day of my life. I want more of these, more todays tomorrow."

"I can't promise you more todays," he says back softly, gently pressing the palm of his hand against my cheek. I nod my head knowingly – his life is too hectic to sustain something this wonderful. I had just hoped differently.

He cracks a small smile. "More todays would just be boring. Every day with you demands something new," and he kisses me. But this one was different. While the other kisses were surprising, strong and quick, this was slow, searching. Me, searching for something Leo cannot give me, and Leo searching for something he can never have. It's like watching a movie with a twist ending the second time; you know what's coming in the end, but you still root for the characters, you still want them to win. And I kissed Leo with that same passion. I just want this happiness, this bubbly feeling, the insanity of it all, of us, to win. But I know I'm rooting against the inevitable: heartbreak.

Leo's arm reaches out and I'm dimly aware of the last flash of my camera as I sink lower into the depths of him.