Spotlight on Nobody

- 19 -

~ song: Right Back by Khalid ~

My vodka sprite is warm as I sip on it, and I wish for nothing more than an ice-cold drink at this party. The amount of people crammed into Parker's tiny apartment is ridiculous and it doesn't help that it's an uncharacteristically humid day for the end of April. All around me, people are chatting, dancing, drinking and laughing. I feel bad for holing up in the corner alone with my drink – it is, after all, Parker's birthday and I should be making sure everything is running smoothly.

Right as I'm mustering up the energy to push off from the wall, Parker's face pops in front of mine, and my eyes take a moment to adjust to him. Guess I've had more to drink than I realized.

"Why are you moping around?" He says, his words slurred a bit. "As the birthday boy, I demand that you come and dance with me!" He exclaims, offering his hand and pulling me to the makeshift dance floor in the center of the living room. Right Back, my favorite Khalid song, comes on and I narrow my eyes accusingly at him as I start to dance – he knows that when it comes to a good song, I just can't help myself.

Before I know it, Parker's hands snake their way to my hips. Trying not to be awkward, I do a spin into Grace's arms. Seeing Parker's proximity to me, she gets the hint and slowly dances her way between the two of us. I don't want to reject Parker, especially not on his birthday, but I don't want to lead him on either. For now, the three of us sway around the dance floor, slightly drunk and having fun. I see multiple girls approach Parker, eyeing him pointedly as they 'accidently' back up into him, but he fails to notice, or at least pretends not to. For some reason, this pisses me off to no end. Here are a hundred and one girls that are throwing themselves at him, and he rejects them for what? To try to pursue one of the only people who is clearly not interested in him, let alone off limits? Calm down, I tell myself. Technically, he doesn't even know about Leo and me yet. I was waiting until after his birthday to tell him.

Winded, I step out onto the small balcony for some fresh air. Immediately I regret it. Crammed in the small chair in the corner, I see Ella's curly hair covering someone else's face. Before I turn to go, I curiously peek around her mop of hair to see the lucky guy and groan in disgust. Eric.

Every time Ella gets drunk, she rebounds to her ex from the beginning of freshman year. They never really dated actually, just hung out and hooked up for a few months. He was an asshole, claiming he couldn't be tied down because college was a time for him to have fun and experience everything he could. Obviously, he meant everyone he could, seeing as though it'd be hard to find a girl in this room alone that he hadn't made some sort of advance on, myself included. Every time Ella goes back to him, she regrets it in the morning, but I know better than to break them up right now. She'd be embarrassed to know that I even saw her. I think she rather that no one knew about what happened tonight, so before they notice I'm there, I quietly slip back through the doors and pull them closed silently.

Not unlike many times in the past weeks, I wish that Leo was here. We text or talk every day, but it's just not the same. With every passing day, it feels more and more like a very vivid dream, but a dream nonetheless, and one that I'm unlikely to experience again.

Lost in my own world, Parker shows up once again. "Can we talk?" he asks, seemingly more sober than when I left him. Hesitantly I agree, already knowing what this conversation will be, and dreading it more with every step I take towards his room.

Shutting the door, he turns around to face me, where I am perched on the edge of his bed.

"Having fun?" I ask, putting off the inevitable conversation. I desperately want one last normal interaction with him before he fucks up our whole friendship.

"Yes," he grins. "And it wouldn't have been made possible without you," he says as he moves closer so he's standing right in front of me, towering over me.

"Oh no, it was mostly Ross. I just helped with the invite list and decorations," I say nonchalantly, shrugging and leaning back on the bed to distance myself from him.

"Right," he trails off. "I never got a chance to tell you how beautiful you look," he says sincerely. I glance down at my black jean shorts and old blouse and look back up at him doubtfully.

"So that's what you wanted to talk about? The way I look?"

"No... I mean yes... I don't know," he sighs, sitting down directly next to me, our thighs touching. "I meant that you look beautiful now, just like you did yesterday, and every day before that." I stay silent. "But I what I really wanted to say, and I've wanted to for a long time, is that I like you Nell. Like more than friends."

Even though I knew this conversation was coming, I still hadn't figured out what to say back to him. Because on paper, Parker was a perfect fit; kind, funny, very attractive, into music and into me. But I happen to know another person that fits that description perfectly and he offers one other attribute: a spark, which is what I lack with Parker.

Looking into his expectant eyes, I know I can't crush him with the weight of Leo and me. He'll have enough with my rejection; he doesn't need to resent someone else for it or feel bad about himself.

"You already know I don't feel that way," I say matter-of-factly. I don't want to lace my voice with anything that will give my words any double meaning. "You are one of my best friends," I say, grabbing his hand tightly, "and you are an amazing guy. But I don't feel that way about you."

His face falls, and suddenly he's looking anywhere but me. Brusquely, he yanks his hand away and heads towards the door.

"I could make you happy," he says bitterly, staring down at the door handle in his hand rather than me.

"You already do. Every single day. Why do I need romance to be happy?"

"You've always wanted romance – you never fail to point it out when we watch a movie, or see a couple holding hands, or literally any other time. But when it comes from the one person who's willing to give it, it's not good enough. You like the allure of things you can't have Nell," he says matter-of-factly, matching my previous tone.

I want to shout out that it's true, I like the allure of the unattainable but that this time I did attain it. I want to spit out the words I know would break him and stand up for myself. But I bite my tongue. I shouldn't have to justify my lack of feelings for him – he's the one who overstepped the boundaries of our relationship, not the other way around. Plus, I need to stay true to my word about liking Leo for Leo, not so I can throw around our relationship status to make myself seem better than others. I'm ashamed that I even considered saying anything at all. Instead I say:

"I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday, but you can't make me feel a way I don't. I love you," I whisper as I stand to meet him at the door, "but as a friend, always as a friend. Please respect that."

I slip out the door before he provokes me any further. I'm strong-willed but there's no denying I'm hotheaded as well, and my moment of clarity certainly could not survive another vehement attack on my character.