Seriously Sirius

Chapter 22

It hurts. Everything. Everything just hurts. Nothing is helping. Then again, am I even trying to get help? Am I trying to help myself? I don't even know anymore. I miss my family. They are all gone.

Why did they leave me? What did I do to make them all leave? If I had never gotten expelled from Beauxbaton's I may still have Rose, or even dad as well! It's all my fault. All of my family is dead because of me.

I have become more closed off. I have become cold and distant. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped going to class. I already knew everything anyway, why should I bother showing up.

Lily has been force feeding me so I don't die of starvation. I just didn't have an appetite. Even the thought of the quidditch pitch made me vomit. I was surprised I hadn't died of dehydration from all the water I was losing.

At this point I couldn't cry anymore. My eyes had no tears left. My throat was too raw to make any crying like sounds. I just sat. Curled up in a ball. My head was resting on my knees. I stared blankly into space.

I couldn't feel anything anymore. I had gotten so used to the pain, any other emotions felt foreign and unnatural. Lily had been trying to cheer me up. Not even time is making this any easier.

It has already been two months. The funeral hurt just as bad, if not worse. It really just set everything in stone. Only friends were there, considering everyone else in our family is dead.

And I feel dead on the inside. I lost my flashlight in life. And the darkness was closing in. And I let it. I couldn't stop it anyway. Why bother?

I couldn't even let my mind wander because it would wander to memories of me and Rose and it is hard to see them. Especially now.

My heart was broken. I was broken. I began losing my sanity. I was holding my wand. I didn't realize I was muttering until a gold liquid mist like substance came spurting out of my wand. It smelled like vanilla and honey. It was soothing. It was fun to touch and play with. It glowed brightly in my dark room. I opted to keep to drapes closed lately.

I just played with the substance for a while. Though I was still in immense pain from the events in the past few months, I finally felt capable of mustering a smile. It wasn't much, but it was a start.