december, 1991 ★ bucky barnes

epilogue

"How do you feel about your daughter?"

I don't answer straight away. The truth is that the question has startled me. We usually start a session with a 'How's everything?' or 'Tell me what you've been doing?'. 

"I see we're skipping formalities today." 

"I perfectly know why you came here today." Dr Raynor isn't stupid. She sees through my words, and worse, through my lies. I haven't decided yet if I like her or I despise her. She asks again. "How do you feel about your daughter?"

"I want to help her." I nod, with honestly.

"Why?" 

"She's alone." I shrug my shoulders. Dr Raynor does nothing, and we know each other well enough to understand that she wants me to elaborate on my answer. "And she's killed someone. I know first-hand how it feels."

"I bet you do." Having a leg over the other, she intertwines her fingers over her knee. "But do you think going to get her is a good idea?" 

I've mentioned to her that I want to look for her and get her back. It's been three months since Jessica fled. I haven't heard anything. Fury hasn't called nor answered any of mine, and apart from Sam, who also has nothing to do with Jessica, I have no one else to reach out to. 

My silence makes clear that I have doubts about what I want to do. "What do you think about that, Mr. Barnes." Raynor turns to my husband, sitting next to me on her office's couch.

"If she wants to go get her, I'll support her." He says. He smiles at the doctor as if that had been an easy question, when in fact he had just given her an easy answer. "I might not have done great things in the past, but I sure did support her in everything she did."

"That's good." She nods, leaning her body forward. "And about your past, are you still having nightmares?" Bucky smile disappears. I have to make an effort to stop mine from showing. It had happened before and that had almost taken away our joint sessions. "James, I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?"

He is. Almost every night. He has explained some to me. Ever since we met he's had nightmares, so they are not strange to me. Besides, he knows I won't judge him, I've done worse things than him. However, he doesn't trust our therapist to be as indulgent. As the good wife that I am, I get him out of that situation. 

"I am." I tell the doctor, and I'm not lying. 

"You didn't before." She says and writes on her pad for the first time in the session. Apparently that has impressed her. 

"I know." I nod my head. "They started when I found out about Jessica. They've been getting worse."  

"Would you care to describe them?" She pushes me, which doesn't surprise me. She always does. "You're civilians now. With your history, the government needs to know that you're not gonna..." She doesn't want to say it, but we know what she means. "It's a condition of your pardon."

"We know." Bucky answers.

"So?"

"They are about her." I sigh, opening up. "You know I don't remember anything about my past, so I have nothing to dream from that. I just see her suffer."

"You have to understand that you can't help her." Raynor's tone is more severe than usually. 

"I know." I look away from her. She's been telling me that for the past three months, as if it were so easy. She thinks that because I've never been there as a mother figure is a lost case to try to be there now. I used to think that before, but not any more.