I made my way home an hour or so after Eddie and bumped into him as I headed for my room. His eyes shifted around the room, not wanting to settle on me, and I cleared my throat.
"Nice to see things aren't awkward between us."
He let out a hollow laugh, "God forbid we can take anything seriously, huh Richie."
"What is there to take seriously?"
His features sharpened a little more than I was used to and I realised that I was about to be told off for real-not just in the usual snippy Eddie way. I dropped my eyes to the floor imidiately.
"You know, Rich, you have some fucking balls to say that to me, you really do. After everything you've told me I thought that maybe you'd want to make things better for yourself. I thought that maybe I could help you. Maybe I could stay by your side this time. But if this is how you want to leave it, then fucking go ahead. Go back to forgetting me. Go back to live your miserable life, but don't for a second think that you don't have a choice about that."
He didn't give me a second look before storming back into his room and I let my shoulders slump.
"What's going on?" Bill came up the stairs and I looked down at him.
"I think me and Eddie broke up," I joked half heartedly and Bill tilted his head.
"You want to chat about it?"
"Na, I think I'll just go pack," I smiled solemnly, "thanks though."
"Okay, well you know where I am."
I knocked on Eddie's door but he didn't answer so I went into my own room to gather my belongings.
I threw my jacket on and picked up my bags before striding out of the hotel. This whole thing was a mistake. Time to go home and forget about it.
I threw my bags in the trunk and got in the drivers seat, slamming the door behind me. I turned the keys and the mustang's engine roared to life.
I reversed out of my parking place and took one last glance back at the hotel, my friends piling out to stare after me. I felt guilty for leaving without saying goodbye, but I would maybe call them later and explain-I planned to keep in touch after all.
I saw Eddie stumble out of the building to join the others and I accelerated away before I had a chance to change my mind.
I felt tears in my eyes as I drove and blinked them away. In a way it was a relief to be leaving Derry because I could finally put this to bed. Pennywise was dead and he took my secret with him. I could trust Eddie to keep it to himself, so it never had to go any further now. I could really leave it behind this time.
The thought of that made an intense feeling of sadness wash over me and I thought of Eddie. I shouldn't have left him without saying goodbye... I shouldn't have left any of them without saying goodbye...
I slowed down and pulled over just as I got to the edge of the town and turned off the ignition. I took my glasses off and put them down on the dashboard, then hid my face in my hands. All of this was so messed up. I hated crying-I barely ever did it-but today I couldn't help it. I sobbed into my palms and leaned against the door in an attempt to hide my face from the outside world. It didn't help that the alcohol had given me a headache and I hadn't slept all night either.
After what could have been a few minutes or half an hour I was startled by a tap on my window. I flinched and squinted round at Bill who was standing next to my car. His eyebrows were pulled together in concern and I opened the door.
"Everything okay, Richie?" He asked as I wiped the tears from my face and put my glasses back on.
"Yeah, Bill. I'm okay."
"What's the matter?"
I was about to respond when I saw someone move out of the corner of my eye and glanced behind my car where the rest of the group were gathered. I welled up and covered my eyes with my fingers underneath my glasses.
"You know we're all here for you, right? Whatever you're going through we can help."
I sniffed and took a deep breath, "Thanks guys, it means a lot."
"Come back with us," Bev stepped up and I struggled to keep eye contact with her, "I'll drive back with you."
I nodded a little and she walked round to the passenger seat to get in.
"We're all here for you, man," Ben smiled and I did my best to return the expression.
I started up the engine and the others went back to Mike's car. Bev strapped herself in and smiled thinly at me.
"What's going on, Richie?"
I looked at her and sighed, "remember when we were kids and you guys would tease me that I'd never get a girlfriend if I kept up my bullshit?"
"Oh, Rich... we were kids, we didn't mean it-"
"It's not that..." I paused for a moment to try and find the words, "it just turned out that I didn't... actually want a girlfriend..."
She blinked a couple of times as she tried to process what I'd just said, "oh..."
I looked away and she put her hand on my arm, "Richie, sweetie... is that what all this has been about?"
"What else would it be about...?"
"That's nothing to be ashamed of, really it's not. We wouldn't think any differently of you, you know that right?"
I shrugged and she tilted her head at me, "okay... put it this way; if I told you that I had a girlfriend... would you treat me differently?"
"Of course not," I looked up at her and she smiled.
"Then why would you think it would bother us? We're your friends, we want to be there for you."
"I feel like I've lied to you all."
She leaned over to me and put her arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a half-hug, "we wouldn't think that. Your private life has nothing to do with us... I want to tell you something..." she stayed close to me as though she wanted an excuse not to make eye contact, "my partner... the one I left to come here... he would hit me all the time."
"What?" I pulled away from her to look her in the eye, appalled that anyone would lay a finger on my friend.
"That's not the worst part..." she looked at the floor and tears formed in her eyes, making them glisten in the light.
"You don't have to tell me this," I offered but she shook her head and smiled at me sadly.
"I want to, Richie. I want you to know. My dad used to hit me too... I wish that was all he did..." it was my turn to show sympathy and I took her hand in mine.
"I spent my whole childhood here terrified of him, and then I chose to be with a man that made me feel the same way. I want you to understand that everyone has things that they're scared or ashamed to admit... but it doesn't make you a different person. You're the first person I've told about this but that doesn't mean that I've lied to the others, does it?"
I shook my head sadly, "Bev... I wish I'd known... I wish I could have done something..."
She half smiled, "you see? Don't you get that we would all feel the same way about you? We all want to look out for each other no matter how ugly we think the truth is about ourselves. It's not my fault that my dad abused me... and you don't have a choice about who you fall in love with."
I felt tears roll down my cheeks and I looked away, swiping them away and Bev hugged me.
"We all love you, Richie. We're here for you... Even if you are a fuck up."
I laughed against the tears and leaned my head against Beverly's.
"Thanks, Bev. I wish I'd told you years ago... you've made me feel normal."
She pulled away to look me in the eye and cocked an eyebrow, "sweetie... that might be stretching it a bit."
I laughed again and wiped my eyes, "thank you."
"Any time."
We drove back to the hotel in a comfortable silence and for the first time since I was a boy... I actually felt better about it.
