Bev went out to get us all some food so Eddie and I were sat watching TV in his room. I had been laying back, my hands behind my head, sniggering away at the stand-up show on the screen, but I noticed him gazing out of the window with a blank expression.
I rolled onto my side so that I was facing him, "everything okay?"
"I just can't believe how much things have changed since Mike called. I didn't realise how much I really hated my life until I saw her shut the door in my face... living in that shitty house with a shitty wife and a shitty job. I never wanted that for myself."
"Well now you can start again, right? Draw a line under it and just start from scratch."
He looked at me, "yeah. I can do what I should have done in the first place."
He shuffled down to match the way I was laying, "stay in touch with the people that really care about me."
I smiled a little and folded the crooked collar of his polo shirt down, "yeah, me too."
I looked back up at him, my hand still resting against his collar, "do you think Pennywise is really gone this time?"
"Yes."
"Are you just saying that?"
Maybe it was the worry in his dark eyes that made me want to comfort him, or maybe just the fact that I didn't want to think about the possibility that we didn't kill the clown and I wanted to stop Eddie talking... but I grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him into a kiss.
His hand skimmed over my shirt to rest on my waist and I held his face. He made me feel safe... safer than I'd ever felt in my life. He moved closer to me and the heat from his body was comforting as his arm curled around my back to hold me against him.
It was weird to think that I was kissing Eddie Kaspbrack-my best friend from school-and I don't know why I hadn't been doing this my whole life. I couldn't believe that I'd pushed this aside so that I could have unsatisfying relationships with women when I could have been living how I wanted.
I broke the kiss and looked at Eddie, scanning his cute-but handsome-features. I was about to tell him everything on my mind but just looking at him made me giddy. After a moment I decided that my words weren't important and pressed my lips to his again.
"Richie..." he pulled away a little, "what are we doing?"
"I mean-"
"Don't make a smart comment please... let's just be serious a moment, yeah?"
I nodded, "I don't know... I just have so many feelings that have come up since being back here... since seeing you again... I guess I'm trying to make up for lost time. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Rich, that's not what I meant. I just wanted to know what you're planning on doing once you're back home? Is this just a little thing that's going to happen and then you go back there and get on with your career like you say you were going to? Or is it serious?"
"Jeez way to kill the mood, Eds..."
"Don't avoid the question."
I rolled onto my back and rubbed my eyes with a hand, "I forget how well you know me..." I was quiet for a moment but Eddie just waited for me to respond so I turned my head towards him, "I don't know what you want me to say, Eds. Do I want to be with you? Yeah... Do I want to publicly announce that I'm dating a guy?" I felt nauseous, "fuck... no..."
"Then what's the plan?" He asked quietly and I could tell that he was upset.
"I don't have a plan, okay? I don't know what I'm doing! Did you hear about the two dudes who got beat the shit out of before we got here for being gay?"
"Not everywhere is like that, Richie."
"Maybe not... but I don't want to live in fear."
He looked into my eyes, "aren't you doing that already?"
I sighed heavily, "you're right... and I know you're right... it's just hard."
"I know... you know I'm in the same boat, right?"
"Yeah, what's your deal anyway?"
He shrugged, "I don't know. I've only been with two women and I always felt like there was something... not quite right."
"You've only been with two women?" I toyed with him and he frowned.
"I didn't realise it was a competition. How many women have you been with?"
I blew air out through my mouth, "ah I dunno... maybe... twelve? Maybe more?"
He raised his eyebrows, "wow, you were really trying to convince people weren't you."
I laughed without humour, "Yeah I guess I was. Pretty much had to be wasted every time we had sex which is never a good combination, so I've never really had anything long term. They all ended up realising that I was a fuck up or I did something to keep them away if they got too close... I guess I was worried someone might figure it out."
He put his hand on mine and stroked my knuckles with his thumb.
"I wish we'd stayed in touch. Maybe if we had then we'd have spoken about this sooner... we wouldn't have had to get this old before we realised that we didn't have to keep secrets from everyone."
"Speak for yourself, I'm in the prime of my life," I smirked and he sighed.
"Are you ever fucking serious? Like, ever?"
"Not if I can help it..."
"I know that's meant as a joke but you know that's a legitimate defence mechanism right?"
"Don't do and Eddie, Eddie."
"Fuck you," he smiled.
"You know what... fuck it. I want you to come back with me and if things work out... I won't hide it from anyone. I want to be the person I want to be."
He smiled gently and pecked me on the cheek, "that sounds great, Rich. I'm really proud of you."
I rolled back over to him and he squinted at me, "did you just say that to get me to shut up?"
"Yes and no," I placed my lips on his and I felt him smile against them.
Just then we heard a knock at the door and we both jumped noticeably, quickly returning to the positions we were in before, as Bev walked in with a few bags of shopping.
"You two look guilty," she said with a cocked eyebrow.
"We were just about to do cocaine off of each other's bodies, want to join?" I said flatly and she laughed.
"I'll pass this time. I got the sandwiches you wanted," she opened the bag and began passing us food, completely unaware that she'd even interrupted anything.
