The Purple Triangle (On Hold)

I'm A Survivor

*2*

The dictionary defines survive as: to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected inspite of some occurrence; so obviously, I wasn’t surviving. After seeing my two best friends in the world kiss, and not having them know that I saw them together, I was completely dead inside. I saw Jon three other times that day, but whenever he tried to say “hi” or come and try talk to me, I ran. I know, so brave, so cunning, so heroic! But seriously what would you have done? Now it was three days later and Jon seemed to be getting suspicious. He cornered me one night in the hallway out by our room, I tried to duck away from him with some lame excuse about how I had to study or sleep but he held me in place, the same position he was in with Emma, I thought, but shivered at the thought.

“Ok,” he started, holding my shoulders down. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” I muttered silently.

“No,” he persisted “I know something’s going on with you. You’ve been avoiding me all week, anytime I try to get near you, you freak out like I have a gun pointed at your head! So out with it! We’ve never hid things from each other before, so what’s so important that you can’t tell me?”

“I…” I tried to start then burst out crying. All of the emotions I had been feeling; the hope, the fear, the sadness, the relief, but the unexplainable emotion of the hole in my chest like he really had shot me, but through the heart, his mark of betrayal.

“Shh” he said, comforting me. His hands had dropped from my shoulders to my chest and slowly moved back, right above the small of my back. “Everything’s gunna be alright” he said whispering “did someone hurt you?” he asked cautiously and his face grew with anger, he looked protective and his whole stance changed from relaxed to rigid and straight. This only made me cry harder because he was the one who had hurt me and now he was unknowingly trying to protect me from himself, ironic huh?

            That night I barely slept, and when I did, I tossed and turned restlessly in my sleep. I had returning nightmares of a purple leaf in a bed of orange and brown ones; New England? They were miles from; well i didn’t exactly know where they were but nobody seemed to care. I kept dreaming of the leaf, over and over, just the same. I heard my name in the background, as if whispered by the wind. My real name, whispered to me, swirling around me in a fog. And every time I awoke, my heart was beating at one hundred beats a second, just another reminder that I was still physically alive. I reached over and searched blindly for my iPhone and turned on whatever song i touched first. A guitar blared in my ears and Taylor Swift’s “Should’ve Said No” blasted my ear drums. After the first verse of the song I violently yanked the buds from my ears. The words “yesterday I found out about you, and even now just looking at you, feels wrong…” kept swirling in my head. The tears started welling up in my eyes because her lyrics touched a nerve deep inside my heart, were I kept my secrets. I tried to change the song and shook the iPhone to automatically shuffle the songs and again the guitar blared in my ears but to a different tune. I looked at the title of the song and almost would have laughed if I wasn’t still crying. Yet again it was Taylor Swift but this time it was her song “Dear John”. OK one of the only times I wanted Lady Gaga or Pit Bull or even Green Day. I had to get my heart-touching songs which were now becoming a little too touchy-feely for my nerves. Why did I put those ear buds back in? I looked out the window and saw the horizon starting to change color from the navy-colored endless night sky to the pastels that great the morning sun.

 I finally decide five minutes later that I was way too rattled to fall back asleep. I got dressed as quietly as I could and slipped into the crisp morning air. I started just walking my normal route, but then found myself jogging, and then in a full on run. I tried to run out all the thoughts, the feelings inside my head. I was never a great runner at long distance, more like short but fast sprints but I ignored my head, heart, and breath and just ran. I slowed down by my favorite tree that I always stopped at to rest in the mornings. The pain of breathing really hard and really fast caught up with me and I had to sit down. I heard someone come up behind me but I was too tired to look, or care about who it was.

“Are you alright?” I heard the deep voice of a teenage guy ask. I whirled around to see the face of Dave, Carroll’s boyfriend, looking down at me. His face was flushed red from running, like mine.*

“Yeah,” I said getting my breath back “just went running, needed to catch my breath. How about you? Its kinda early isn’t it?”

“Couldn’t sleep, looks like the same for you.” He said noticing the dark circles under my eyes.

“Yeah, kinda restless sleep, you know?” I said picking myself up off the ground. I started to head back onto the dirt path when he stepped in my way.

“Are you sure you’re OK?” he asked again, his dark hair sweeping over his forehead and into his eyes. He was obviously from Hispanic heritage with skin that looked like he had come from the beach every day with a fresh tan. His eyes were a warm chocolate color that I and any other girl could just melt into.

“Yeah, I’m sure, I just need to…” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because I noticed the way he was watching me from behind his bangs. I didn’t have time to think of what that emotion might be because he pushed my back up against the tree and all I could think was “what was he doing?” (Also how many times that position had been in my life lately, But I would never admit to that) then he flipped me around so that my left side was to the tree and I was facing the forest that was beyond his holding stare.  His hands smoothed down my hair and they slid down my sides like two snakes that wound themselves around my waist. And he just held me there, like there was no world around us. I didn’t dare to speak, wondering what he might do if I did. Suddenly the trance broke and his mouth crashed violently against mine. I still didn’t move; not when his lips softened and I realized he was kissing me, not when I felt his tongue start to poke out of his mouth and try to push into mine, not even when his hands dropped from my waist to my back and start to travel down to my butt and his fingers tightened around it, but I did react when he started to grind up against me, pushing me into him. I didn’t exactly push him away, it was more like I dropped like a rock, and actually, that’s exactly what I did. I sank to the ground; Carroll was going to kill when she found out! How would I tell her though? And who would she be mad at; him for kissing me and cheating on her? Or me, her roommate and close friend, for letting it go on this long. And what if I didn’t tell her, and she found out later? That would ruin our entire friendship! I let my tears fall again for what seemed like the millionth time in just one week. Dave slipped away and I finally gathered up just enough strength to go back to my room.

“Hey! Wondered where you slipped off to this morning.” Jon greeted me at the door with a huge smile, and then his face fell as he looked at my sad, hopeless, red-puffy eyed face. “Oh God, what happened!” he shouted running at me. His arms scooped me up in a huge hug and I cried onto his shoulder.

“He… he…” I could barely speak I just stood there and cried like a big baby. I felt hunted, trapped, under constant watch. Would I ever get my life back on track? 

drama wonderland! lol so thanks 4 reading... again sorry if the tense isnt right or the grammar is a little weird... itl get better i promise!

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Picture of Jon on the side =============================>