Me And You (A Collection Of Wenrene One shots)

Shattered

Shattered (A Wenrene Story written in Wendy's POV)

-- The Year of 2018--
I don't understand why I'm feeling these extra unwanted emotions of stress, frustration, anxiety, and depression... Is something wrong with me? They used to tell me that I was too young to learn what depression was and that what I was feeling wasn't depression. They used to tell me that I didn't know what stress was. I went to school and learned that blaming others wasn't right, but am I supposed to always blame myself? Isn't it double-standard for them to tell you that you should learn to love yourself but then they'll make you feel as if the only person you can blame is yourself? If this is the answer then it's my fault for every little thing that has happened not in my favor and I deserve to feel these taunting, unwanted emotions that constantly aches my chest and drags me down...
I feel worthless and pathetic.

No one sees that I am breaking on the inside. All they see is the same normal, content person that I am not.
Everyone around me always seems so happy, but are they really? I wonder if they are having the same feelings as me.

I want to tell someone to hear me out... just anyone...
But I shouldn't... I couldn't... 

No one sees that I am breaking on the inside. All they see is the same normal, content person that I am not.
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Everyone around me always seems so happy, but are they really? I wonder if they are having the same feelings as me.

I want to tell someone to hear me out... just anyone...
But I shouldn't... I couldn't... 
How could I when I don't even know if they'll understand what I'm going through?

I followed closely behind my members fully aware of the wondering eyes and cameras that followed me while I'm on stage. To this day, it became easier and easier to fake a smile. No one could tell it was empty though because they refused to see me for who I really was on the inside. I may seem strong, but I'm actually weak.

They often ask why I have such a positive personality, but I don't have close friends and that's simple really. I don't have close friends because the heavy burden I'm carrying with me is holding me back from reaching out to others. I'm already being judged for everything that I shouldn't be judged for... so why would I want more people to add more judgment of me for something that is real and out of my control?

Sometimes I feel as if I don't have a place where I belong... as if my existence wasn't meant to be.
There are so many things wrong with me... When I fail at something, I feel absolutely terrible. When I succeed at something, the feeling of content is missing. When I pretend to be someone I'm not, I feel out of place. If I were to come out as who I really am, I won't have a place anymore. Is my life really this messed up? It seems so.
Besides singing, the only other thing that makes me feel alive... even if it's for a split second and that is her... Bae Joohyun... Just hearing her voice or seeing her smile makes me feel as if I have a reason to live. I occasionally crave her attention and I'm grateful for receiving her affections even if it's short. I cannot show her the real me because I can't bear to lose her. 

I'll be grateful for having her as a friend than to not have her at all.
I cannot be selfish. My happiness isn't important. What's important is if I can keep others happy. Then everyone would think I'm a good person when I really am not because I am still being selfish for wanting others to see me as a good person. The irony, right?
I think I was in deep thoughts because I realized that I was separated from my four members and was standing among the other idol members.

I looked around and found them with members from Blackpink and Twice, but I didn't move from my spot. I couldn't because I felt that I didn't belong there. I wasn't deserving to stand with them. Not only as a singer but as a person, I felt like a living numb puppet who was created to please others. I loathe it and I loathe myself.