•Benefits• {cash} {boyxboy}

Chapter 55: Dalliance

Cameron's POV

"I can't do this." Matthew said while breaking apart our kiss. I looked up at him in confusion. "You kissed me?" I stated.

"I just- oh god I'm a horrible person." Matthew's breath started to increase. He started to shake. His breath got rapider and rapider.

It finally clicked in my brain. I knew Matthew never loved me. Maybe he had somehow convinced himself that he had.

He may have just come to the realization that I can never be Carter.

"Do you love Carter?" I quickly asked in an attempt to calm him down or at least distract him.

Matthew looked up. "I-I love him it's just I've been having all these feelings for you and I don't know what to do with them."

I suddenly had an idea. I pulled him forward and pressed my lips to his. They lingered there for a second. I then pulled away. I looked up at him.

"How did that make you feel?" I asked

"To be honest? Cameron, I don't even know what I'm doing here. I'm sorry if I confused you I just I don't know where my brain is at right now and I've got a lot of things going on right now and-"

"No Matthew, just go. Go back to Carter okay."

Matthew looked up at me and nodded. "I'm sorry Cam."

"It's okay, I'll survive." I smiled at him.

"Everything is so fucking messed up." Matthew said while he rubbed his forehead.

"I think I'm going to take it." I quickly said.

"The modeling thing?" he asked.

"Yeah." I said while taking a deep breath.

To be perfectly honest, everything was messed up. I didn't think I could handle being here much longer. My mind had wondered over to what Shawn had said in his first letter. You know how every place reminds him of his and Taylor's relationship? I don't want to be constantly reminded of Nash and all my horrible choices. I just feel so suffocated in this place. Maybe it would be good if I moved. Plus, I would be doing my dream job. It would be perfect.

"I'll miss you." Matthew said while coming over and pulling me into a bear hug. I gripped him tightly.

"I'll miss you too."

Matthew pulled away and smiled. "I'll visit you though. I'll visit you a lot. You'll get sick of me. It'll be as if you never left."

I smiled and let out a slight chuckle.

"I'd like that Matthew."

"Are you going to tell Nash?" Matthew suddenly asked.

I wasn't completely sure about that. I wanted to tell him, but I feel like he would think I was running away from him. And that's partially true. But then again, maybe ridding my life of Nash would ultimately a good thing. For my emotional state anyway.

"Do you think I should?" I asked. I was interested in what Matthew's response would be.

Matthew shrugged. "Do it in the right way."

The right way? There's a right way to say something like that? I wondered what he meant by that.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, you should do it in a way that doesn't make him think that you think that it's not a big deal."

"What?" I asked, clearly confused.

Matthew sighed. "If you go about this, acting as if it's not a big deal, he'll probably get upset."

Matthew was probably right. I know that Nash does care for me, at least to a certain degree anyway. And it would be a big deal if I just got up and left. Maybe, maybe I wanted him to be upset. I don't know.

To be perfectly honest I don't know how Nash would take it. He could get really angry and beat me up again. I mean, it wouldn't be a surprise.

"I guess I'll talk to him. But first I should confirm with BMA that I'll be joining. Sort out flights, accommodation and tell my mom and sister. I'll probably end up telling him last." I said.

Matthew nodded.

"Look Cam, you do that. I should go make things right with Carter okay?" Matthew said while running to the room. I followed him.

"I'm sorry it just took me a while to realize-"

"It's okay Matthew. Like I said before."

Matthew gave me a smile while he pulled on his pants.

"Can I borrow a shirt?" Matt asked while scratching the back of his neck.

"Uh yeah sure." I quickly made my way over to my drawer and pulled out a random shirt. I handed it to Matt. I made sure it was the right size for Matt. Matt was a slightly smaller size than me so I gave him one of my old shirts.

"It should fit." I said while watching him pull it over his head.

Matthew checked himself out in my body length mirror. "Thanks man."

"No problem."

Matthew quickly slipped his phone in his pocket. He then fixed his hair so that it looked decent.

"Will you let me out?" Matthew asked. I nodded and we both began to walk to the door.

"Cam... again I'm sorry-"

"Matthew, for the millionth time, it's okay."

Matthew raised an eyebrow and bit his lip.

"Why'd you kiss back though?"

That caught me off guard and honestly I didn't know the answer to that. I guess I just wanted to feel love. As messed up as that sounds. I wanted it wherever I could get it. And even though I would never admit this to anyone, but every time I kissed Matt, I would try my best to imagine it was Nash.

"Look Matt, I just. I don't know. Nash fucked with my head. I don't know. I guess I just wanted to feel loved."

"I understand..." Matthew said while pulling me into another hug.

"Go get him okay." I said while pulling apart. Matthew nodded and smiled.

"Thanks Cam."

"For what?" I asked.

"For making me realize who I really love."

//

QOTD: Jack and Jack subplot?

-Maybe