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Chapter 47: Cartah Stahp (Part One)

Matthew's POV

I sat on the edge of my bed. The room was dark except for the light creeping through the creek of the door.

Carter sat on the other side. Our backs were facing each other. We've been like this for a while. Both of us waiting for the other to speak.

We haven't really spoken in a while to be honest.

"Do you not find me attractive anymore?" Carter asked shattering the silence. I was surprised he spoke up now, I didn't expect him too. I could hear that he was upset. However the question he asked me did not surprise me in the slightest. Ever since that day with Cameron I just couldn't have sex with Carter anymore. I felt guilty and disgusting. I felt dirty, I had cheated on him. A cheater was the last thing I wanted to end up being. I always despised cheaters and could never fully understand how you could cheat on someone.

I guess I understand now.

I know that it was wrong. It was so wrong. But something about Cameron that night just attracted me to him. How venerable and upset he was. I just wanted him to be happy. For once I wanted him to be happy. He deserved that. Nash had put him though so much. I could not fathom how much he could constantly hurt him and how Cameron would just stand there and take it all.

I wish that I could be honest with Carter. He'd leave me if I told him. I am almost certain of that. But I felt guilty. I was keeping this from him. I can't be around him without feeling immense guilt. I've tried my best to be distant with him and I know it's hurting him. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.

"Matthew." he said softly. I could hear the worry in his voice. He he hardly ever calls me by my full name. Maybe I should tell him. He would leave me but he deserves to know. I feel horrible for keeping this from him.

I turned around to face him. He had tear stains on his cheeks. I took in a deep breath. "You're going to break up with me aren't you?" he said slowly. "I-"

"Why Matt?" he asked, I could hear the unevenness of his voice. I saw a small tear trickle down his cheek. I felt my own eyes well up.

Looking before Carter right now, I had never felt so guilty in my entire life. I had ruined everything. My heart started to beat faster and faster. I was in love with Carter. And you can't be in a relationship with someone if you are keeping something this big from them. I had to tell him. I had no choice.

"I cheated on you." I said quickly, trying to avoid eye contact. "I know you're going to leave Carter. It's okay. I understand." I said quickly before he could respond. I felt an immense amount of relief flow through my body. I had been keeping it in for so long that it felt so good after I said those words out loud. Despite the feeling of relief, I prepared myself for Carter's response.

Carter didn't say anything for a while. I avoided eye contact with him at all times. "I won't leave you Matthew." he said softly. My eyes widened and I looked at him in shock. My heart started beating faster and faster. There was still a chance.

"What?.." I asked slowly. "I won't leave you. I--I just want to know why...?" he said. I could see there were tears streaming down his face at this point.

I didn't know how to answer that question. I didn't even know the answer to that question myself. "It was an impulse Carter. I don't know why I did it. I wasn't thinking about you in the moment. You don't know how much it's been eating me alive Carter. I feel so bad. You have no idea how sorry I am. I don't want to loose you. I love you. More than anything Carter." I said trying my best to sound sincere.

Carter started to shake his head. "Matthew. You won't loose me. I-I just... Am I not good enough for you?" He asked slowly. "I didn't mean it it's just that Cam-"

"It was with Cameron?!" Carter shouted. shit shit shit shit. This whole time I was planning on NOT mentioning that it was with Cam. I know Carter doesn't particularly like Cameron that much.

"No uh I mean yeah I mean fuck." I mumbled. Carter stood up and threw his hands up. "Of COURSE it was with Cameron fucking Dallas! OF COURSE you'd fuck him because he's Cameron Dallas. Every man and woman would fuck him if they could! And what about Nash huh? how'd you think he'd feel about this?" Carter asked spitefully. "Nash is marrying Lia okay I highly doubt he'll give a shit about what Cameron and I did!" I shouted.

Carter shook his head and started laughing. "You have no fucking clue Matthew. No fucking clue. I know EXACTLY what is going on in Nash's life and I know that if he found out, he would care more than you think." Carter said while shaking his head. I let out a bitter laugh. "Then go Carter. Go fucking tell Nash. Go! Ruin everything! Make Nash break Cameron's heart again. You know he cried during sex. He started screaming about Nash. I had never seen him SO upset in his entire life. But you know what Carter. If you want to add to his misery. Then go ahead. Ruin everything. It shows what kind of person you are." I said bitterly.

Carter looked at me.

"You ruined everything when you slept with Cameron. Don't dare preach to me about what kind of person I am, because you're a cheater Matthew. I did nothing wrong. I was good to you Matthew." he shouted.

"I said I was sorry! What more do you want from me?!" I screamed.

Carter shook his head.

"I want nothing from you Matthew. Nothing."