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Chapter 48: Cartah Stahp (Part Two)

Matthew's POV

"No. Carter you're not doing this." I said while standing up and grabbing his arm. He looked at me and then harshly pulled his arm from my grasp. That hurt. That hurt more than it should have. I can't understand how he can't forgive me for one stupid fucking mistake. "One mistake Carter. I made one mistake. It's not like you're some fucking saint! You've made mistakes too!" I shouted. Carter looked at me with a disgusted look. He shook his head slowly. "So that's what you're going to do Matthew? You're so fucking pathetic! Bring up all the things I've done wrong huh? Because this is about me right? Real fucking mature! We're not talking about my mistakes here! You seem to have forgotten. We're talking about yours. I didn't cheat on you Matt. Yes, I've made a few mistakes but that was the past. Need I remind you we weren't even together back then. You're the one that cheated Matt." he said. I could hear that he was calming down a bit. He took off his SnapBack and rubbed the back of his head.

I knew that what he said was right. This isn't about his mistakes. It's about mine. But I forgave him for what he did. For how shit he treated me. It's only fair that he forgives me for the one mistake I've ever made. One that I regret so much. He has no idea.

"I'm sorry Carter..." I said slowly. More and more tears trickled down my face. "You don't understand how much I regret it. How much I regret everything. I didn't mean to have sex with Cameron. It just happened. He was going through a rough time with Nash and yes I know that none of it justifies anything. But you need to know that it's been eating me alive. I can't even look or be around you without feeling so much guilt. I just need you to understand that Carter. I need you to understand how sorry I am. I need you to forgive me."

Carter faced away from me. He looked down. I could see teardrops drop to the floor. "I don't think I can do that Matt."

What the actual hell. My mind was racing a mile a minute. How can he not accept? He said he wouldn't leave me. I don't understand. He doesn't understand how much this all kills me.

"You said you wouldn't leave me..." I said, I could hear my voice hitch.

Carter looked up at me and started slowly shaking his head. "That was before I knew it was with Cameron." he said.

"Why the fuck does it matter who it's with Carter! What would you have preferred it if it was with some random guy on the street?!" I yelled.

Carter laughed a bitter laugh.

"I see the way you look at Cameron." he said. My mouth dropped open in shock. "Are you fucking stupid Carter?" I said slowly.

"I know you're in love with Cameron." he said while shaking his head. "Don't even try to deny it."

I hesitated. I knew that I didn't love Cameron. Not like that anyway. He was a good friend and that's all he was to me. Yes at times I find him attractive but who doesn't? I know that he loves Nash and that's the way it's supposed to be. Myself and Carter, Nash and Cameron, Taylor and Shawn and Jack and Jack. Not Nia or Matteron.

"That's what I thought." Carter said while walking out.

"I don't love Cameron." I quickly said. Carter turned around and looked at me. "Don't bullshit me Matthew." he said.

"I don't love Cameron. At all. Nada. Nothing. He is my best friend and that's all he will ever be." I said trying my best to convince him.

"Then why did you have sex with him huh?" Carter shouted.

"BECAUSE HE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE WAS GETTING MARRIED TO SOMEONE THAT WASNT HIM OKAY. HE WAS UPSET!!" I shouted.

"That still doesn't-"

"I told you that it was a mistake and that it would never happen again. Carter honestly there isn't much more I can say okay. The ball is in your court now. If you want to leave, that's fine. Just please don't tell Nash. Cameron will have to tell Nash eventually. And I know he will, eventually. Just please don't ruin whatever the fuck is left of that relationship." I said. Carter's expression was unreadable.

"I just need some time..." he said slowly.

I laughed. "Yeah that's what they all say and then you find out that they have a new bae."

Carter shook his head. "No- I just- I'm sorry Matt..." He said. The tears on his cheeks had dried up by now.

"I think you should go." I said softly. I didn't want him to leave. I really didn't. But maybe just maybe it was for the best.

Carter nodded and opened the door.

"I love you." I quickly said. He looked at me with a sympathetic smile. "I love you too." He said while leaving. It was barely audible, but I heard it.

He didn't mean it. I know he didn't. I know Carter. I can tell when he lies. And right know I know he's lying. And it hurts. It hurts so much.

I quickly pulled out my phone and dialed Cam's number. After a few rings he picked up. "Hi." He said quickly. He sounded flustered. "Hey." I said uneasily. We haven't spoken since that night. I could feel the awkward tension. Even if it were just over the phone. "Dude are you okay?" Cam asked quickly. I was surprised by his question. I took in a deep breath, "I think Carter and I broke up." I said quickly. The other end was silent for a while. "Why?..." He asked. "You know why." I said suddenly. The line was quiet again. "Have you spoken to Nash anytime soon?" I asked. I heard him breath out a loud sigh. "It's a long story." he replied. I pondered on what that could mean. "Well if you have, you should tell him." I quickly said. "I know I should. I just don't know how he'll respond." he said. "He will have to deal with it Cameron, especially considering all the shit he has put you through." I added. "I know..." Cam said softly. "Look Matt I gotta go. I'll text you later okay. We can meet up somewhere later." he said. "Bye Cam." I said while hanging up.

And yet, I had the strangest urge to say 'I love you'.