Innocently Guilty [EDITING]

READ PLEASE

Hi... Umm I'm sorry for not updating although I promised to do so.

Here is a little backstory/explanation cuz I feel bad for leaving so many people clinging...

To start, I'm not in the best state of mind at all. It was mainly anxiety, very bad anxiety and it worsen up when I moved and started in a new school. I don't know, I just feel like I'm in the edge of a mental breakdown constantly.

However, besides dealing with that (and not really getting help really bcuz almost no one knows) I've been thinking a lot about other things.

Things I'm really afraid of.

Lately my thoughts have wander off and I'm unable to get ahold of them. And I'm not talking about daydreaming, it's something else and I can't describe it. I can only say that this thoughts are not good. And it doesn't have anything to do with things such as depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. It's different and I'm really scared.

I'm scared not only for these thoughts that can be described as despicable for many. Really, they go against so many things. And I'm so scared of them.

I think I'm really going insane.

The only thing that keeps me reassured is my fear. That I definately don't want to become part of those thoughts. I'm afraid of those times I become completely unafraid of those thoughts.

I'm all in for overcoming your fears, but believe when I tell you, that right now, the only thing that's keeping me bound to my humanity is my fear.

I completely understand if you may get disturbed by this. I wouldn't really feel very comfortable knowing that a person is not really in their 5 senses, but that still wouldn't stop me from trying to understand them. And I'm not saying this to defend myself. If you know someone that's not thinking very rationally and may be on the verge of stepping into a danger zone, HELP THEM.

NO ONE, and I repeat, no one, that still has the minimal hold over their actions and sanity, wants to succumb to their demons. It's the scariest feeling one can ever have. Losing oneself and their humanity is a very scary thought.

I've learned that to create a wicked character, the creator has to be as equally as wicked.

I'm scared.

Believe me, I'm trying to overcome whatever thoughts I'm having. So if you care or sympathize, don't worry. I fear a lot of things. So I'm sure I'll be okay. The only thing I fear more than anything else is having no fear at all. So yeah, I hope I didn't scare anyone.

Second, all those times I said I was very busy and couldn't upload, I TAKE ALL OF THOSE BACK! I'VE NEVER BEEN BUSIER OR STRESSED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!

I go to school 12 hours with almost zero breaks. I don't understand 90% of what anyone is saying since I moved to another country, so FUCK THIS STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER.

WHOEVER WERE THE ONES WHO BUILT THE TOWER OF BABYLON, BRING ME THEIR CORPSES AND SOULS!

for the ones that don't know the story- in summary, the Bible tells of a time where people were building this tower, but some sort of altercations happened and some included the Lord in them, so our heavenly and mighty Father gave each person a different language so they wouldn't be able to verbally communicate. So yeah

BRING ME THEIR BONES! IMMA YEET THEM OUT OF A BUILDING!

Who in the nine hells thought having different languages was convenient, it's hard af.

Ps. No offense to the people who felt culturally offended. I do believe languages for a beautiful part of each countries culture

BUT IM A STRESS TEENAGER WHO'S PROBABLY GONNA FLOP THE YEAR BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT MY EXAM SAYS!

So, moving on, besides the stressing in-school hours, I get home late and only have time to eat a little before starting my homework. I normally don't finish until way passed midnight and I'm telling you, this doesn't exempt the weekend.

After 5 days of constant migraine, I take most of the Saturday to myself, except when I have to do some "business". Keep in mind, I'm in dire need of a break, and so having to work on Saturdays isn't the most relaxing thing to do.

Afterwards, Sundays I do homework all day. It's just that much homework I have for the weekend. I can literally stay 12 hours doing homework and I still have to work for a couple of hours, taking time off of my homework doing time and just making me wanna jump off a bridge.

So yeah, no time at all.

Add my deplorable health conditions and we got a teenage girl whose deepest desire is to go to sleep and never wake up.

Because if it's not my school work that's keeping me up, it's my thoughts.

I probably need a psychiatrist.

I'm too poor to afford one so... 🤷🤷

I love suffering 😁😁

No I don't, pls send some help. Anyone out there with some knowledge in psychology, or knows one that can help me for free.

Anyways, I'm having a short break soon, so I will prioritize updating during this week.

I'll delete this after my break is done and I will be back to hell and unable to update...